Spoofs & Satire

Random Acts of Kindness

Hilton’s latest “be hospitable” campaign has people all over reporting on the good deeds of others. With only 1,000 baht—and a little help from Jeremy Piven—a chance to pay it forward.

The Hilton family of hotels ushers in National Kindness Week with the latest leg of the “be hospitable” umbrella campaign.

The campaign features a U.S. map on BeHospitable.com where visitors can read about random acts of kindness.

Brandweek, March 21, 2007

1. Patpong, Bangkok

After three weeks in Thailand on a guided sex tour, a gang of Muay Thai street fighters beat me, robbed me of my belongings, and sodomized me with a bottle of Singha. I was left in a puddle of my own urine when a Japanese businessman I recognized from my last brothel discovered me in the alley as he tried to renege on the tranny with whom he had spent the last hour. He rushed to my aid and helped me find medical attention down the street in the dank hallway of a hotel where the American actor Jeremy Piven appeared in a red smoking jacket. The Japanese businessman argued with the Emmy Award-winning performer for several minutes before reaching an agreement—Jeremy Piven would sew the fissure in my rectum for 1,000 baht and cut the businessman a 35 percent commission. It was a fair deal. I watched in a concussion-induced haze as Jeremy Piven sanitized a sewing needle with the remainder of a fifth of gin. Time seemed to slow and our eyes met briefly. He nodded and raised the corner of his mouth up a hair as if to say, “I understand you. I have been you. Your rectum is bleeding.” It was in that sliver of time I felt the awe and wonder of a simple act of hospitality.

2. Darfur, Sudan

It has been 17 days since the last of the U.N. aid trucks pulled out of our village. Father said the doctors were helpful, but there weren’t enough of them—especially after the Janjaweed’s brutal raid on Thursday. Since then things have remained fairly stable. We still hope to hear from my sister Tenya, who went foraging for water over the ridge three days ago. It’s likely she is not coming back and father tells us to inscribe her name in the heavens but I still think she has a chance. One of the doctors left a “Property of GAP” T-shirt for us to share.

3. Upper West Side, Manhattan

I feel $10.50 on an $82 check is a perfectly reasonable tip, considering the flatware was splotchy, the miso was cold, and that bitch forgot my California roll.

4. Classified Location

Hold onto the rail! Hold onto the rail, goddamnit! Leslie, I’m not going to lose you! We can’t bring the chopper back down, so you’re going to have to take my hand! Come on, lift yourself up with your other arm! I know you can do it! Think of Rod and the kids! You’re almost there, you’ve almost got it! But just in case you don’t make it, I need to tell you something! I wanted to explain why I didn’t RSVP to your Evite this week! Yeah, I know you really wanted me at your engagement party, but it’s still a little painful—you and Rod! I don’t want them to call him “Daddy” just because I moved out! No, I’m very happy for you! I was a mess and I know I hurt you, but I just want to get on with my life and it’s just kind of hard when you’ve found someone that loves you as much as—no, no, noooooooooo! Leeeeeslie!

Crap. Yeah, that sucks. We should probably get out of here, there’s rebel fighters one klick north. What? What’s that? An Altoid? Yeah, I can really use one of those right now.