Sign up for our Headlines morning newsletter.

The most interesting things on the web, handpicked each day. Sign up for our Headlines morning newsletter.

Opinions

Rules of the New Restroom

We’ve all seen the “Employees Must Wash Hands” and “No Smoking” signs in bathrooms. But what about other common sense rules? How are we to know what’s permissible, and what’s just plain wrong?

As restaurants and bars are required to post health-related signs in their bathrooms, it seems a few reminders have been overlooked. Here are our suggestions.

‘Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning To Work, Also Their Penises Or Vaginas’

‘After Meeting Someone New, Patrons Must Remember His Or Her Name’

‘Patrons Must Flush Despite Mellowness’

‘You Are Being Judged’

‘Patrons Must Only Copulate Behind Locked Stalls’

‘Endless Towel Not Really Endless’

‘Male Patrons Shall Refrain From Using A Falsetto Voice When Questioned For Reason Of Presence In Female Bathroom’

‘No Smoking Angel Dust Before Dining’

‘Patrons Must Wash Hands Before Leaving, Or Suffer Gout’

‘Floaters Are Forbidden’

‘Employees Must Contain All Rage Against Cleaning Bathrooms For A Living Until They Return Home And Turn it Against Their Families’

‘Leave The Urinal Cake Behind’

‘Cruising Allowed’

‘This Is A Water-Free Restroom’

‘Please Remember Not To Drop Your Purse Into The Toilet, Especially When It Contains The Movie Tickets’

‘Target Practice Is Forbidden’

‘Non-Flushers Will Be Prosecuted To The Full Extent Of The Law’

‘Mutual Masturbation Must Be Truly Mutual And Not Some Cheap Excuse To Get Yourself a Handjob’

‘Please Only Put Paper In Toilet—Not Your Beliefs’

‘Male Patrons Should Assume One-Hand-Against-The-Wall Stance When Soused’

‘No Swimming’

‘Side-By-Side Urinals Are Designed For Evaluation—Please Do Not Block The View, Or Tug’

‘Do Not Steal The Pipe Fittings’

‘All Cash Transactions Must Be Accompanied By A Receipt—No Receipt? Get A Dollar Off!’

‘Dealers Will Be Dealt With’

‘Steve Wishes To Thank All Graffiti Writers For Helping Him Work Out His Gayness’