Spoofs & Satire

The Kennel at the End of the World

Sure, you’re going to heaven, but what about your dog—and yes, even your cat? A helpful guide to caring for your pets after the rapture.

We know that you, a good-hearted, God-fearing person, have spent an appropriate amount of time preparing yourself and your soul for the upcoming rapture. But how much planning have you done for your earthly household in the time that follows? Of course, we’re not suggesting you might be one of those unfortunates left to watch their pious friends and neighbors ascend to heaven before their very eyes. No, you will be long gone—but what of your pets? Unfortunately, they will not be going to heaven with you, despite what popular animated films would have us believe. Love them as you might, they do not posses the ability to accept Jesus Christ as their savior, and, therefore, they find themselves on the other side of God’s perfect love. This may be difficult to accept, especially if your dog or cat “thinks he’s people,” but it is His law.

We mention dogs and cats only because birds, with their sensually colored plumage, fan the flames of corporeal temptation (sometimes literally), and the owners of such “exotic” pets should already expect to meet their own foul master in hell.

The task before you, then, is to provide for your dog or cat once you have gone and the earth has descended into a cesspool of sin and chaos. As anyone who has owned a companion animal knows, fresh drinking water is essential to a pet’s survival. This will not change. If anything, a fresh water source will become even more important when almost everything is on fire. The most prudent action is to fill the bathtub with cool water at the first suspicion that rapture is upon us. Though this will be a finite supply, it is the best you can do. In time, your pet will learn to distinguish potable rainwater from the unpleasant downpouring of blood. Preparing early by moving your family and home close to a natural upwelling of fresh water will only cause problems later, as it will unduly bring your pet into contact with the damned hordes, who will flock to springs and other “power spots” for their pagan bacchanalia.

Your pet undoubtedly will miss the affection and moral example you have provided, and for this there is no real substitution. Your dog or cat will also need to eat. As with water, whatever foodstuffs you leave will serve only temporarily. Your pets eventually will need to grow accustomed to eating the flesh of corpses left behind from the battle between the tribes of Gog and Magog and the occasional burnt offering to an ugly idol. Several bags of food should be kept in storage, ready to be slashed and left out to at the first sign of the rapture. However, make sure you do not leave any chocolate lying around, as 1) it is poisonous to both dogs and cats, and 2) it tends to attract damned hordes.

Those of you with cats may wonder how your pet will keep his or her litter box clean after the saved have risen. This is a non-issue. Without God’s providence, the entire earth will become an appropriate venue for urination and defecation.

Though your pet’s most basic needs now will have been met, you should not feel your obligation is fulfilled. The period after the rapture will be a troubling time, but with a few preparations you can ease the psychological trauma your pet will experience. He undoubtedly will miss the affection and moral example you have provided, and for this there is no real substitution. The best you can do is to introduce your pets to the pets of other Christian families, so that when you are gone they might form a community of noble, moral animals. Dogs and cats naturally form packs, and the structure they provide will steel their resolve against the temptations that will surround them.

To this point, once Christ’s followers have left the earth, we can assume that gay marriage will be rampant. This will inevitably lead to human-animal marriage. It would be prudent to keep a hyacinth flower tucked behind the left ear of your dog or cat to tell potential suitors that he or she is “taken.”

It would also be a good idea to leave some open Bibles around. Even though your pets cannot read, they will recognize the scriptures as a reminder of their dear owner’s faith and keep on the straight and narrow. And who knows—they might even evolve (Ha!) to the point that they can accept Christ and join you in heaven.