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The Non-Expert

All the President’s Martians

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we look into the recent hoopla over Mars, with an explanation for Dub-Dub’s motives in space.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.

 

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Question: WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH MARS? LAST TIME I CHECKED THE WAR IS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. OBVIOUSLY THERE AREN’T ANY ADVANCED LIFE FORMS LOOKING FOR A LITTLE REGIME CHANGE. PLEASE ADVISE. —MIKE KAUFMAN

Answer: Yours is a question many have asked but few have had answered. Obviously there is much more to Mars than meets the eye, and our Commander-in-Chief isn’t letting the space cat out of the bag. Here are just a few inklings as to what’s really going to happen when Dubya makes his galactic debut.


40 Things President Bush Will Do on Mars

1) Before any colony is established, fly a plane to New Jersey and land in front of an enormous ‘Mission Accomplished’ sign.

2) Tell the American people he has met an oozing Martian slug monster, looked into its 42 eyes, and seen its soul. Slug offers no comment, refusing to respond to nickname ‘Oozy-Ooze.’

3) Drill for oil.

4) Find a really big stash of those candy bars. Mmmmm.

5) Find the minutes of the Energy Committee meetings with Enron.

6) Do zero-gravity loop-de-loops during a televised address. Later, exhausted, go on four-month vacation.

7) Proclaim brother Jeb Bush ‘Drug Czar of Mars’ and his dad ‘Martian Plenipotentiary and All-Mightiest Proconsul.’ Then declare Bill Clinton ‘Interstellar Devil.’

8) Thinking they’re oatmeal cookies, eat a pile of Martian poop.

9) Establish a kickass NFL expansion team because everyone knows Los Angeles doesn’t draw big crowds.

10) Leave no hole left behind in search of bin Laden.

11) Leave no hole left behind in search of the Loch Ness Monster.

12) Name Mars ‘The Real Lone Star State.’

13) Thinking they’re just some bottles of corn whiskey, drink corn whiskey. Then drive around.

14) Declare an orange terror alert. At the same time insist everyone go out, shop, and behave normally even though gigantic mosquitoes are sucking out people’s intestines.

15) Ban gay marriages because they insult the long tradition of interplanetary travel.

16) Put Skull and Bones in charge of the Martian DMV.

17) Ban black voters because they insult the long tradition of colonial bigotry.

18) Still drunk, call NASA and giggle, ‘Houston! Houston! We have a problem up here!’ Then ask to be put through to Ed Wood.

19) Hoping 12-legged space hyenas find the remains, bury Paul O’Neill’s body under a thin layer of subatomic particles.

20) Use a bunch of rednecks with laser beams on their heads to zap anyone found with Martian weed (gateway drug of the galaxy).

21) Build a big fucking prison.

22) Create a constitutional amendment requiring prayer in Martian schools, despite the lack of air and fact that kids explode as soon as they open their mouths.

23) Sue anyone who uploads MP3s to Mars.

24) Ban smoking in all Mars bars.

25) Ban his daughters from all Mars bars.

26) During weekly radio address, hype future voyages to the ‘Horsehair Nebula’ and ‘Crabcake Cluster Bunnies.’

27) Blast the five conservative members of the Supreme Court into permanent orbit around the planet. ‘Accidentally’ have the other four fried by a rogue solar flare.

28) Build an immense ziggurat and call it Chad City.

29) Though no Earthling colony has ever existed on Mars before, inherit most of the planet.

30) Give the first Martian millionaire a tax break.

31) Give Rush Limbaugh check cashing privileges at all Martian Walgreens.

32) Give Tostitos to the first Martian welfare case.

33) Get pissy with the U.N. when they tell him inspectors can’t find oxygen on Mars.

34) Spell Martian ‘Marshan’ in his State of the Universe speech.

35) Tell Americans there’s lots of oxygen on Mars. (With CNN and 86 percent of the population believing him.)

36) Based on terrorist information provided by the British, nuke the moon.

37) Based on terrorist information provided by the French, nuke France.

38) Based on terrorist information provided by the FBI, nuke Harvard.

39) Call folks ‘revisionist historians’ when they say life on Earth could have been saved.

40) Have lunch (finally!) at Dick Cheney’s house.
 

biopic

Tobias Seamon recently published the novella The Fair Grounds. More can be found here. More by Tobias Seamon