Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
Question: Please give me a date that I can do and get back my relationship with my girlfriend for two years after she woke up one morning and dumped me.—Ian K.
Answer: Brother, we feel your pain. The Non-Expert wasn’t always so expert about love. And there was a morning—crystalline sky, spring flowers glistening like a promise —when our lover suddenly announced he was leaving. We were stunned. We said what anyone would in the same situation.
‘Is it because you think I’m fat?’
‘No,’ said our lover, ‘It’s because I don’t love you anymore.’
Geez. If we’d known that the night before, we definitely wouldn’t have licked his balls.
The pain of it was excruciating. And the break-up was bad, too. How could we go on after such humiliation? We wept for days. Babbled to complete strangers about our break-up. Stayed up till 4 a.m. watching television. OK, porn. Our heart was shattered. We had been betrayed by someone we trusted, and it felt like nothing could ease the darkness that settled in our soul. Sure, Taco Bell helped, but when the lights are low and the mood strikes, can you really cuddle up with a Beef MexiMelt?
(It was an accident!)
The point is, everyone gets dumped, even the Non-Expert—and we’ve got quite a rack! Heartbreak happens. People reach inside your chest and squeeze your little ticker with their fat sloppy fists, people who had plenty of faults, lemme tell you, like the lingering onion breath and a penis crooked as a boomerang. But still: You have to soldier on. Take this time to try new things. Like kayaking, or prostitutes. Within six months, we guarantee your heart will heal—and so will your genital warts.
You, however, have something different in mind. You want to ‘get back’ the relationship. Actually, we’re not sure what you want. Do you want your girlfriend back, or do you want a date that you can do? We’ll assume the former. To which we say, ‘Why?’ Sure, it will make you feel superior. Sure, it will make you happy, and the sex will be totally hot-t-t. But is that really what you want? It’s like the clerk at the 7-Eleven told us: ‘You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you. Are you really going to eat all those pickles?’
Have a seat. Let the Non-Expert tell you a story. It’s about a friend of ours named ‘Sara.’ ‘Sara’ is a brilliant writer who contributes charming essays to ‘The Afternoon News.’ One day, ‘Sara’ decided to do a date and get back her relationship with her boyfriend of two years—just like you. The date she chose was Oct. 15, a Saturday. She planned heartily for that day—bought new panties, even shaved her knees. Imagine! Doing a date and getting back a relationship! This time, she thought, things would be different. She wouldn’t blow so much dough on his birthday present, for one thing, or leave the room to fart.
But when she got the relationship back, it wasn’t what she expected. Sure, she felt fine at first. Happy, even. She liked the way her hand slid inside his, the way their legs intertwined as they lay on the couch, watching porn. But something was amiss. He made this annoying gurgling sound in his throat. From the side, at an angle, he kind of looked like Liza Minnelli. Could she have been wrong about Oct. 15?
That night, they made love like NBA all-stars. Windows were broken, records were smashed. Afterward, as he lay beside her—snoring like a buzz saw, drool pooling at the nape of his neck—‘Sara’ realized something important: Being alone bites. It is like a big black hole of suck in the center of your chest, a hole that you can never fill, no matter how much raw cookie dough you eat. No matter how much Oprah and Aretha Franklin you take in, or how many fizzy romantic comedies you watch. She never, ever wanted to be alone again. It was more terrifying than anything she could think of—varicose veins, Kirstie Alley, anything. She could never let this man abandon her. So what if he wanted to leave? Like that could tear her from the beautiful man now handcuffed to her bed. So what if he tried to escape by maiming her with a nail file and a can of AquaNet? He wouldn’t be the first one. No, this was a real keeper. The One. She could just feel it.
Friend, let’s be honest now: That woman was the Non-Expert. Five years later, we’ve weathered most of the lawsuits, and we’re here to tell you that ‘doing a date’ is not the answer. Why not yoga? Or power bars? Try a sporty new haircut, or learn to salsa. But we know you’re determined. You won’t back down till you get a date and get your relationship back.
Sigh. What can we do? March 21. Good luck. Godspeed. And hey, hotshot—bring your lawyer.