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The Non-Expert

Freaking Cold

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we give you some tips on how to beat the $#@*ing cold weather. Get ready to greet some heat.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: Dude, it is fucking cold outside. —BenjyK

Answer: Appropriately phrased. We’ll assume you’re from New York where it is, indeed, rather chilly, and friend, we hear you. Residents of Chicago, Buffalo, or Denver will say we’re wimps for complaining about a measly 10 degrees; people in Maine, Wisconsin, and Canada (where they have provinces) have told us our winter is mild in comparison. We don’t doubt them, but it doesn’t make us any warmer.

Here are some more tips for staying warm in New York this winter, specially tailored for our fair city:

- Remember to layer when you dress. Try a short-sleeved T-shirt, a long-sleeved T-shirt, a wool sweater, a hoodie, and then an overcoat, scarf, hat, gloves. Now light the overcoat on fire. The flames probably won’t get past the hoodie, but in case they do, drop and roll in a pile of snow. The fact that you’ll be cold again teaches us that coat-ignition is better done indoors, where you’ll have new clothes to wear.

- Take breaks between blocks. Duck into a café or coffee shop for a quick tea/coffee/hot cocoa. Pour it down your pants. We learned this trick while rafting in Pennsylvania in February, and the fun was definitely not disturbed by our crotches reeking of chicken soup.

- Any New York Red Cross van is bound to be filled with at least a dozen pints of fresh, hot blood.

- Strip nude and run around outside. ‘Hypothermia’ contains the Greek root ‘therm,’ which means ‘heat.’ So running around outside with no clothes on will give you hyper-heat. Clinically proven.

- Hug the guy next to you on the subway. Now get closer.

- Slaughter and cannibalize Greenpeace volunteers, smearing their thigh and buttock fat on your loins for insulation

- Ask for a nice cup of ‘hot wash’ when you order from a hotdog cart

- Set fire to a random person in Times Square. Invite other passers-by (including policemen!) to warm their hands and benefit from the communal warmth. Watch out for staggering! Games like ‘Add to the Fire!’ and ‘Pick the Fire’s Toasty Pockets!’ are good for tykes, and teenagers will learn about community service from your example. Also, once a crowd is gathered, your safety from our dubious legal system is guaranteed; there’s no justice like mob justice, and no mobs are madder than those with their flaming strangers extinguished.

- Take a free coat from your local furrier. Trust us: they’re free through March.

- Eat oysters at every meal. Also foie gras, and kobe beef. These are not at all good for staying warm, but we thought you’d need an excuse when the check arrives.

- Squirrel gloves. And we don’t mean dead squirrel.