The Non-Expert


Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week a reader sends in a cryptic plea for help in the ways of “IT” and we decipher “IT"s true meaning.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: What’s up with chic’s that are into ‘IT’ when you are buying them drinks and then are not into ‘IT’ when the time comes for ‘IT’ Should I change strategies and do ‘IT’ first and then buy the drinks? I imagine this must be cheaper.—Kris F.

Answer: No kidding. What is up with that? In my experience, there is a direct relationship between the amount of drinks chics consume and their willingness to do ‘IT.’ I feel for you—not enough drinks, and there’s no way they’re going to do ‘IT,’ especially on a Saturday night. Too many drinks, and ‘IT’ is physically—and mentally—impossible. Sure, they’re talking about ‘IT’ the whole time you’re shoving drinks their way, but when all is said and done you wind up home, alone, downloading Vietnamese tentacle porn. Again.

There was this one time, when I was much younger and less skilled in the ways of ‘IT,’ and I was at this bar, and I approached these well-dressed chics, who had on these long, flowy robe things and a lot of jewelry—a total turn-on for me, and, I suspect, for you as well—and I said, ‘Let me buy you a drink.’ They all looked at each other and said, ‘Sure.’ I started talking about the ins-and-outs of ‘IT,’ all suave-like, and after several drinks I blurted, ‘Now that I’ve purchased several drinks for you, how about going back to my cramped basement—er, comfy—apartment and doing a little ‘IT?’ And they were all like ‘smack!’ And so I went home and downloaded some tentacle porn.

These days, though, my solution, as in all things, is to combine the two: Do ‘IT’ while having drinks. It’s going a bit against the grain, I realize. But try it and I think you’ll see—it gets them into ‘IT’ every time. Granted, the purists will object, saying that information technology and alcohol don’t mix. I disagree wholeheartedly. There’s nothing to get a chic more hot and ready for a long night of computer programming than a few fuzzy navels, followed by the promise of more ‘back at my workstation.’ You’ll have them running their fingers all over your keyboard in no time. Trust me.

Others, however, will wonder why I recommend this strategy for chics. They are, of course, already enormously wealthy, and not known for a pastime of working with computers. And because many of them are devout Muslims, they probably wouldn’t go for the fuzzy navel routine.

But to that I say: bigoted pigs. Who says that just because someone comes from a desert kingdom, and just because said person could purchase your entire ZIP Code, they would reject the allure of a sultry night of drinking and ‘IT?’ That’s just the sort of thinking that got us involved in Iraq, if you follow my drift. No, I wholeheartedly recommend this strategy with anyone, be they babs, womes, girs—or, yes, even chics.


TMN Contributing Writer Clay Risen’s first attempt to build a website fell apart after he learned that had been bought by a hardcore Christian rock band. Clay is a senior staff editor at the New York Times and the author, most recently, of The Bill of the Century: The Epic Battle for the Civil Rights Act. He lives in Brooklyn. More by Clay Risen