The Non-Expert

Online Loving & Andy Kaufman

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we show how to turn online friendship into internet love, and expose the truth behind Andy Kaufman’s return.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: Here Is My Problem… Few Months Ago I Met a Girl On mIRC, Now We Are Good Friend. We Share Everything With Each Other In Chat. (Happiness, Sadness) The Way She Care About Me Makes Me Feel Like ‘She Loves Me But She Hesitate To Tell Me’ And Sometimes I Feel That ‘NO Im Wrong… There Is Nothing Like This’ Can You Please Give Me Some Guidelines? In Real Life, If a Women Is Interested In Me, I Can Easily Judge It. But When It Comes To ‘ONLINE World’ It’s Very Hard For Me To Judge. I’am Sure You Got My Point. Well I Shared My Problem With You And I Hope You’ll Help Me Out Thank You So Much Yours Truly Shane

Answer: Happiness, sadness, they are the cornerstones of any lasting relationship. Expressing them can be difficult enough in person, and is especially so when you rely wholly on the internet. So how can you get to know somebody online? Here are some helpful guidelines.

Emoticons, the commonplace symbols of the internet that turn regular, in-person human expressions and gestures into web-speak, are one way you can intuit what your online beloved may really be thinking. Suppose you’re in a chat together:

If she types: I’m so happy to see you online! grin

She means: I’m glad to see you, and here is a friendly smile to acknowledge this.

If she types: Is that a new icon you have? tongue wink

She means: You appear to have changed your chat icon, and this makes me wink and extend my tongue in glee.

If she types: What’s been up lately! :}o

She means: I am Salvador Dali.

A well-crafted email will probably be an easier way to find out how she feels about you.

Subject: So, Do You?
From: Shane
To: Online Girl

Hi, I Love You But I Hesitate To Tell You Before I Know If You Love Me Too! Yours Truly Shane

You receive a response!

Subject: Re: So, Do You?
From: Online Girl
To: Shane

Your e-mail has been received by the Portland, Ore., Police Department’s Internet Crime Division, and your information has been placed in our internal database of online predation suspects. We will contact you at a later time, if necessary.

The same outcome usually occurs in offline dating as well, so don’t take it so hard.


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Question: Is all this Andy Kaufman back-from-the-dead business for reals?—Marcy

Answer: Infamous comedian, hoaxster, and Taxi actor Andy Kaufman, it has long been believed, died of lung cancer in 1984. A press release announcing his emergence from hiding, and the launch of his personal blog, however, proves beyond impeachability that Andy Kaufman is, in fact, alive and well.

Urban legend has it that Kaufman once claimed, were he to fake his own death, he would return 20 years later. His ‘death,’ in fact, occurred on May 16, 1984, which means that not only did he return as promised, but also that he’s a truthful person! And kept up his end of the deal!

Further evidence proving this is the real Andy Kaufman:

  • He has been living, undetected, in the unpopulated, desolate, and affordable Upper West Side of New York City (a real part of a real city, not some made-up places).
  • He is submitting to DNA testing to prove he’s really Andy Kaufman. (DNA testing is, as everyone knows, 120 percent accurate and real and he’d have to be crazy to go under that kind of scrutiny if he were a faker—plus they’ll probably be able to get an original sample from the corpse, to prove it’s him!)
  • Have you ever seen Jim Carrey and Andy Kaufman in the same room together at the same time? And how come Jim Carrey is suspiciously not updating his own blog? HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS? Have you ever noticed how Jim Carrey has weird, untraceable chaff marks around his hairline and ears? YES, YOU HAVE. This proves there never really was a Jim Carrey, only an Andy Kaufman with a plastic face on top.

So, yes, Andy Kaufman is back with us. So too are a few other stars who died in 1984:

  • Ethel Merman bartends as ‘David’ at a drag-bar in Cincinnati for women with gland problems.
  • Marvin Gaye, who was reportedly shot on April Fool’s Day by his own father—also named Marvin Gaye—is very happy the police never got the joke.
  • Ansel Adams sells posters at the University of Michigan campus bookstore.
  • Michel Foucault is neither dead nor alive, but no one really knows for sure.
  • And though David ‘The Bubble Boy’ remains deceased, his tragedy is replayed nightly at a drag-bar in Cincinnati for women with gland problems.

Andrew Womack is a founding editor of The Morning News. He is always working on the next installment of the Albums of the Year series at TMN. More by Andrew Womack