The Non-Expert

Pet Names

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help couples understand how cute lover-names can become butt-quaking insults.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: My boyfriend and I call each other baby all the time but sometimes I want to call him dickhead. Is there a cute way I can call him dickhead?—Marion N.

Answer: It’s hard to make ‘dickhead’ cute. ‘Pee-pee-cap’ doesn’t really cut it, and ‘Cocktête’ sounds like a bad all-male revue.

But there should be a way to signify to your significant other that you’re pissed, without straying from couples language. Here are a few situations that should help.

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Scenario: After dinner—without being asked—your boyfriend washes all the dishes, takes out the trash, and walks the dog.

Call him: ‘Poopsie-butt’

Scenario: After breaking three plates—and not telling you—he throws them in the trash, where they tear open the bag as he’s walking downstairs to the dumpster. Shards of plate and bits of leftover dinner are strewn all over the stairwell. The dog craps on the new rug.

Then call him: ‘Bo’ or ‘Luke,’ but during sex when it’ll creep him out

Scenario: You get a phone call from your mom. She tells you that your boyfriend is just the sweetest young man and she’s so glad you two are together. He walks into the room, kisses you gingerly, stands back and mouths, ‘Hi.’

Call him: ‘Pinto bean’

Scenario: He then says, ‘Is that your mom? Hey, tell her I think she’s a MILF!’ Your mom overhears and asks you to define a ‘MILF.’

Then call him: ‘Pin-dick’

Scenario: One night after sex, your boyfriend says you’re the best lover he’s ever had. Between compliments about your body, he praises your technique, passion, and open mind.

Call him: ‘Joyrod’

Scenario: He asks how he was during intercourse, since all of this is being taped for his fraternity brothers.

Then call him: ‘Crapstick’

Scenario: The two of you go to the movies after work. The theatre is practically empty, and as the lights dim and the feature starts, your boyfriend pulls your feet into his lap and gives you a foot massage.

Call him: ‘Schmoops’

Scenario: Four minutes later he ejaculates on your toes.

Then call him: ‘Soups’

Scenario: For your birthday, he makes a scavenger hunt around your town, with a poem at each stop about how beautiful you are, and at the last stop you find him wearing a chef’s hat, presiding over a three-course meal.

Call him: ‘My Little Romantic’

Scenario: His best friend later says your boyfriend’s done the same thing for his past three girlfriends, with the same poem and meal for each one.

Then call him: On the phone, while riding his best friend

Scenario: You’re at work when a delivery person approaches your desk with a lovely—and pricey—floral arrangement. There’s a card. It’s from him. You dial him on the phone.

Call him: ‘Pooky’

Scenario: He tells you he loves you so much. He just wanted your anniversary to be special. After all, you’ve been dating for six months now, and you mean the world to him. Which is why it’s time to tell you he’s married to a woman in Albany.

Call him: ‘Father of all whores’