The Non-Expert

The Best Man’s Speech

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we tackle and violate that most fearsome of wedding-day responsibilities: the Best Man’s speech.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: I’ve been given the honor of being named Best Man for my brother’s wedding. Do you have any advice on the dos and don’ts of giving a good speech?

Answer: Not really. But I went ahead and wrote the entire speech for you. Simply replace ‘GROOM’ and ‘BRIDE’ with actual names where needed:

First, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I’d like to thank GROOM for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful, if not a little frumpy, and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting BRIDE to the church on time. I’m sure you’ll agree that BRIDE looks stunning, even if I’m the only person who appreciates her for the woman she truly is. I’d go so far as to say she’s the most beautiful, alluring, sexually intoxicating woman in the world. I mean, imagine her completely naked. GROOM is one lucky S.O.B. to share his life with her, even though he’s not especially good at sharing. How ‘bout that wonderful cake, everybody!

It’s been said that being Best Man is like making love to the Queen: it’s a great honor, but nobody wants to do it! Unless BRIDE is the Queen, if you get my meaning. At least I did my duty of getting GROOM to the church sober and on time, and without a 500-dollar hooker thrown over each of his shoulders, which is more than we can say about GROOM’S average Sunday. Ha-ha, I’m just foolin’ with you, GROOM. [Make playful ‘shooting’ gesture at GROOM.]

Now it’s customary for me to give GROOM a hard time, which is the only reason I agreed to be Best Man in the first place. I wish I were joking. What’s decidedly un-customary is giving a speech at your buddy’s wedding when he’s marrying the girl he stole from you less than six months ago! Totally fucked, right? I mean, seriously folks. Can I get another drink up here? Easy on the ice!

I met GROOM back in high school. He was year older than me and I always looked up to him—especially when he’d just beaten the crap out of me and I was lying on the ground with a bloody nose and gravel in my hair. I’ll bet that even he never expected to marry one of the countless girls he stole away from me, but what can I say? Date rape drugs go a long way. Let’s give it up for our terrific DJ tonight! Way to spin those tunes, TERRIFIC DJ.

Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I’d like to pass on to the happy couple.

To BRIDE: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back and starts lurking outside your apartment every night and it’s crying uncontrollably and totally blitzed, at least hear it out and don’t slam the door in its face and later invite it to your wedding like this is all water under the bridge, or else it’s liable to swallow a bucket of sleeping pills during your honeymoon, I swear to God.

To GROOM: The key to a long and happy marriage it to remember those three little words: You’re right, dear! The key to surviving the next year of your life is watch your fucking back, dude. I know people.

Enjoy the honeymoon! If you need anything, I’ll be staying in the room right next door to yours. Ear to the wall. Up all night. And now I’d like to make a toast, because in all seriousness I think these two were made for each other: May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever, right down into the flaming pits of everlasting hell.

And here’s a toast to the security guards coming up the center aisle…thanks for being here today, boys! Is anybody working the bar back there? Another round for everyone! I’d also like to toast this son-of-a-bitch who’s kneeling on my back! And don’t forget that marriage ain’t a word…it’s a sentence! Good night, everybody!