The Non-Expert

The Mystery of Girls

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we negotiate why girls are the way they are. And we’ve got proof.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: Explain girls.

Answer: Girls are a funny sort. They’re tough enough to define, let alone explain. Friends of mine are always saying things like, ‘Wow. Girls smell nice,’ and I’ll be forced to remind them of exceptions.

‘What about R____?’ I’ll say. ‘She smells horrible.’ And they’ll reluctantly agree: smelling good is not a foolproof measure of girlhood.

Even girls can’t explain girls. Yet a number of theories have emerged over the years, and we’re going to examine ten of the most significant. I want to tell you right up front: they’re not my theories, and I don’t wish to end up in the doghouse for reiterating the offensive ones. So to all the girls out there, I mean you no harm. (And between you and me, I’m just humoring this poor guy’s question because he’s obviously been dumped.)

Theory #1

Girls are after only one thing: money. At first you do a double-take because it seems so true. Look at all those girls going to work every day! But look more carefully—in between the girls, there are just as many boys going to work. If girls are after money, so are boys, which brings us right back to square one. Girls are definitely up to something else.

Theory #2

Girls are here to please men sexually. I’ve got one word to prove this theory wrong, and it ain’t ‘thespian.’

It’s ‘brains.’ Everybody knows you don’t need smarts to have sex. Even grasshoppers do it. But lots of girls are smart. Colleges are full of them. It doesn’t add up. Clearly girls have much bigger plans than satisfying men.

Theory #3

Girls are out for world domination. Run for your lives!

Just kidding. Theory #3 suggests that men have bungled power management so badly (wars, poverty, Jerry Bruckheimer movies) that girls are stepping in to take control. Then why, you ask, hasn’t a girl decided to become President of the United States? Simple: Washington summers. What girl wants to deal with a 105ºF heat index?

Theory #4

Girls just want to have fun. We’ve all been to parties where girls are singing, dancing, laughing, and enjoying themselves into the wee hours. But why would bars and clubs have ‘Ladies’ Nights’ if girls were already so eager to have fun? Wouldn’t they be charging double, knowing that the girls would pay any amount of money to get inside and start partying? Cyndi Lauper may have been a good dresser, but she was a bad sociologist.

Theories #5—10

Girls are here to energize Wall Street, grow carrots, love Raymond, understand the Bush Administration’s foreign policy, fight dragons, or sing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Answer: ‘No’ times five. The U.S. is in a recession, there’d be a lot more carrots lying around, everybody loves Raymond, no one understands the Bush Administration’s foreign policy, there’s no such thing as dragons, and most girls aren’t even Mormon.

The Final Answer

The true explanation of women is deceptively simple and boils down to basic algebra:

G=((478.1 x z)/p)_

…where z represents the obvious and 478.1 the median element in the standard female equivalency continuum popularized through gender-exploratory mathematics curriculums in accordance with pi’s New Parallelism and the biological determination of opposites. The factor of 2 is ordinary common sense.