Wrath
A few months ago, I got rear-ended by this guy.1 This old lady came up to me. She pointed right in my face and screamed and diarrhea started just gushing out of her onto the floor.2
It was a heavy moment, marred by awkward silence.3 I find a naturalistic understanding of human nature to be indispensable to leading a wise and mature life, and it is often exhilarating.4
He took off, and I chased him.5
I was a complete asshole. I would have robbed your medicine cabinet had I been invited to your house.6 I would scream at the ground, clench my fists, and scrape the ground, and cut all my knuckles and rip my nails... I would scream, and scrape, and scratch, and then I would stand and go “GO.”7
It’s a dark, crazy ride to the final episode but it is a fun one. Yeah, bitch.8
Greed
Millions of dollars is a good start.9
I have the sword from Hamlet, I kept a lot of working scripts, I have the jersey from The Replacements, I’ve got Constantine’s lighter and watch, I have Bill & Ted’s shorts (Ted’s shorts), I used to have the leather jacket from My Own Private Idaho but I gave that to a friend.10
Anybody who has ever built a complex new technological system from scratch knows what I’m talking about.11
We have a huge soft spot for the young ones and we don’t want them to be raised by meth heads.12
Lust
I like farting through hotel sheets.13 I ask some actual men to take a peek and tell me if I got anything wrong.14 Age of 80 and a girl’s cock around my mouth!15 I’m going to kidnap her and sell her in Venezuela.16
I was eating at a sushi bar. I would go to sushi bars with a book I had, called Making out in Japanese. It was a small paperback book, with questions like “Can we get into the back seat? Do your parents know about me? Do you have a curfew?” I would say to the sushi chef: “Do you have a curfew? Do your parents know about us? And can we get in the back seat?”17
A lot of times when it looks like I’m pondering an answer or a wager, I’m just peeing.
I reached into my waistband and pulled out a dildo.18 My wife and I feed ourselves to the dog.19 Making my wife scream with a desperate, ragged orgasm that tore her vocal chords and we had to go to the hospital.20
I do feel very strongly in stopping the second I feel like I’m not excited anymore, whatever I’m doing.21
Sloth
You may have noticed that I I tend to quit things soon after doing them, like TV series, animated movies, book writing, Broadway plays.22
A lot of times when it looks like I’m pondering an answer or a wager, I’m just peeing. So I have Alzheimer’s at 38, basically.23
I am burned out.24
Gluttony
I have dined with kings, I have been offered wings, but I have never been too impressed.25
Schnitzel, Kaiserschmarrn, ice cream. You really can’t go wrong with Austrian food when you want to indulge.26 Tuna, chick peas, pork, kangaroo, rabbit and some others I can’t remember right now.27 I was googling donkeys at donkeyrescue.com, a donkey rescue site, and I realized a donkey would be more work, and that goats would be more low maintenance, so I was led to goats.28
I got these giant fruit baskets in the mail from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. One had a letter with an apology.29 It was written like it had been done with a butcher knife in red ink. Also, it wasn’t very good.30
We are transitioning from venison to ostrich. It’s only a matter of time before—like some characters in a Twilight Zone episode—the only meat that’s left is human flesh.31
Envy
I drink the blood of Kristen Stewart.32 Every day, without fail.33
The women in my family look young. I think some of it is luck.34
I’ve got a lion ring that’s pretty cool. And my scar.35
Pride
You can’t imagine fame. You can only ever see it from an outsider and comment on it with the rueful wisdom of a non-participant.36 I especially love getting Japanese fan letters because they tend to put a lot of stickers all over and draw smiley faces.37
While I was on the air once, Sam Gyson went into a studio next to me completely nude, eating a banana and scratching himself like a monkey.38
I would just walk around all day yelling “Yippee-Ki-Yay Motherfucker!” Easy.39 I just need to work on my French pronunciation and my transparently false sympathy at wrong answers.40
We triggered a seismic event with our show.41 Even extremely intoxicated my strength and knowledge is still in my bones.42 The last punch I threw was in 4th grade and I ruptured a kid’s spleen. Lucky shot. My hands have been in my pockets ever since.43
