With special thanks to “The Unknown Citizen” by W. H. Auden
She is found by the F.B.I. to be
One against whom there is not a single complaint,
And all the reports on her speeches agree
That, in the secular sense of a Biblical word, she’s a
For in everything she does she serves the U.S. Democracy.
Except for the shock of her teen daughter’s child
She pleased her constituents and never retired
From satisfying the voters, and giving Oil a boost.
Yet she wasn’t corrupt or odd in her views,
For the media reports nothing bad in the news,
(The media’s report on the media shows that that’s fair)
And our Senior Campaign Advisors find
That she is popular with McCain, though not with moose.
The Press are convinced that she buys the paper every day
And that her reaction to editorials is normal in every way.
Policies prescribed in her name prove she is fully insured,
In standing up for the free market as what ultimately cures.
Both Voter Research and High-Gross Income declare
She is fully alert to the advantages of inspiring the throngs
And has everything you’d want in today’s Hockey Mom,
A charming laugh, a Bible, a gun and no frigid air.
Our pollsters into the Public Opinion are content
That she holds the proper positions this campaign year;
When there was peace, she was for peace; when there was war, she spent.
She is married and added five children to the population,
Which our Census says is a good number for a parent of any
And our teachers report that she ultimately finished her
Is she free? Is she happy? The question is absurd:
If anything were off, we should definitely have heard.