This…Is SNN!

Welcome to a special broadcast of SNN, the Simplified News Network, where you get the news after you already understood it. Understand? Matthew Baldwin reports from the set.

Connie Powers: Hello and welcome to SNN, the Simplified News Network, where we explain the news so you can understand it. I’m Connie Powers…

Kyle Rostand: And I’m Kyle Rostand.

Powers: And here’s today’s headlines…in puns!

Rostand: The FTC recently gave America the skinny on deceptive weight-loss ads!

Powers: Vladimir Putin doesn’t want the U.S. Russian into Baghdad!

Rostand: Buzz Aldrin’s punching of a man has folks wondering if he’s an astro-nut!

Powers: The Hershey Food Company’s sale was nixed yesterday in a bittersweet victory for workers!

Rostand: The season premiere of The Sopranos…mobbed the TV ratings!

Powers: And the U.S. military has sent anti-terrorist units to Yemen to launch a series of covert operations that will shake, shake, shake Djibouti!

Rostand: Ha ha! I didn’t really understand that last one at all!

Powers: Me neither! Now let’s do some in-depth reporting in a segment we call ‘It Was Like.’

Rostand: Thanks, Connie! President Bush gave a stirring speech at the U.N. last week, urging member nations to unite against Iraq. It was like that scene at the end of Independence Day, where Bill Pullman gets everyone to fight back against the alien invasion. The only real difference is that, in this case, the U.S.A. will be doing the invading.

Powers: Scientists used a robot to drill though a door in Egypt’s Great Pyramid, only to find yet another sealed chamber beyond. It was like that one level in the Tomb Raider game, where you shoot all the zombies in the Death Chasm and then break through the door, only to find The Mummy’s Lair on the other side.

Rostand: In Mississippi, two more died from the West Nile Virus. It was like the first chapter of that Stephen King book, The Stand, where a few people get a mysterious illness and then the disease wipes out the entire planet.

Powers: Book?

Rostand: Yes, The Stand. It was a book. It was also made it into a TV mini-series.

Powers: Ahhhhh yes, I remember it now.

Rostand: Eminem called Moby a series of nasty names at the MTV awards. It was like that one Eminem song, the one where Eminem calls Moby a series of nasty names.

Powers: And now let’s go live to Investigative Reporter James Amendola, who is standing by live just outside out studios. James? Are you there, live?

James Amendola: Connie, I am here live by the side of this busy road…a road eerily similar to the one in this horrific video of a 20-car pile-up.

[Video Clip: Cars careening wildly about, smashing into one another]

Amendola: Truly an awful, tragic event.

Rostand: And do you know where this took place, James?

Amendola: Not a clue, Kyle. I found the video laying around the SNN breakroom earlier today. I don’t know when it happened, or where it took place…I don’t even know if it happened, frankly—it could be a scene from a movie or something. The important thing is that we have footage of the event, and that it’s very easy to understand. Back to you, Connie.

Powers: Thanks, James. And now let’s check in with our SNN Online Poll. We asked viewers ‘Which Member of *NSync Should Be Appointed To The Supreme Court?’

Rostand: ‘Lance Bass’ was the big winner, receiving 33 percent of the vote. In second place was ‘Justin Timberlake’ with 27 percent, followed by ‘JC Chasez’ with 20 percent, ‘Joey Fatone’ with 18 percent, and ‘Chris Kirkpatrick’ with 16 percent.

Powers: We’ll be forwarding your suggestions to Judge Reinhold, the Chief Justice of The Supreme Court, but remind you that this is an unscientific poll. Also, results may not total 100 percent—we honestly have no idea.

Rostand: We’re going to break away for some words from our sponsors. When we come back: 26 minutes of Sports, Entertainment, and Consumer news, all right here on SNN, your Simplified News Network.

Voiceover: This…is SNN!