What Your Christmas Tree Says About You

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Question: My wife’s family decorates the Christmas tree with colored lights. My family uses white lights. It’s our first Christmas together. Seriously, I’m afraid of one side or the other disowning us if we misstep here. —Anonymous

Answer: When I spoke with my aunt the other day, I told her what I’d used to decorate my Christmas tree this year: cigarettes. No, I told her that we used white lights and silver tinsel, but from the way she erupted you’d think I said “ placentas on silver hooks” or “menorahs.”

“Tinsel?” she shouted.“TINSEL?”

My family does not use colored lights. That’s for people who are warm-blooded. At most a sprig of ivy may grace our Labradors’ collars. In the town where I grew up people decorate the grills of their Jeep Wagoneers with wreaths—better for ramming home the Christmas cheer.

“MY GOD YOU MEAN—”

My aunt calmed down when I explained I meant those silver ropes of tinsel you dangle around the tree, not the silver tinsel “icicles” people drape one by one on the branches. She sighed and started laughing. I hung up the phone. Our family’s stock hadn’t been sullied by cheap decorations available at stores with enormous parking lots; her heart attack could be avoided for a few more years.

Next year I’m braiding a wreath of placentas and wearing it on my face. Until then, a few thoughts on what your Christmas tree says about you, as in:

IF YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE IS	THEN YOU
A metal pole	need to watch less television
A menorah	are confused
From your neighbor’s yard	should refit it to the stump in January
A 20-foot Fraser fir	have too much money
A four-inch fungus	have too little money
Singing	should call the cops
A great kisser	shouldn’t drink at the next office party
The smallest in the lot	are a blockhead
One in a million	are in a forest
Already tossed	are impatient
Homicidal	agree that SNL occasionally gets it right
On fire	should run
Upside-down	do too much yoga
Negging your mel	should wait for the color wheel to switch
Held in place by a dead elf	change the carcass once a week—it’ll keep the reindeer from hanging around
Needle-less	deserve it
Pre-decorated	need more spirit
The fourth you’ve bought	need less spirit
Stolen	need therapy
A couch, upended, with a star on top	will need extra seating
Brown	should water it
Made of gold	win
Fake	should know that everyone can tell, big boobs
Pulsing	should check the calendar—yep, it’s April
Surrounded by fake presents	work at Crate & Barrel