Spoofs & Satire

What’s Your Resolution?

The confetti’s been tossed, the funny hats are crumpled in the corner, and at least three of us had a little too much champagne.

This year I resolve to…

Get a really big tattoo, watch every Alfred Hitchcock movie (in order), drink more water, drink more wine, stop squeezing my pimples, change churches, get a high-definition TV, take fewer showers and more baths, stop biting my fingers and nails, have more play dates that involve cocktails, stop judging other subway riders, throw away useless things, leave the continent at least once, floss regularly, get over my shy bladder, do what suits my purposes, figure out a way to take naps at work, curse less, wear a tie at least once a week, stop buying clothes online, have that family conversation we’ve been putting off, strengthen my increasingly weak knee muscles before they fail completely, stop cutting my own hair, develop a killer first serve second and a reliable second serve first, ride my bicycle more, sing karaoke for the first time, go to bed earlier, get into a good running schedule, do some work each morning before checking my email, stop reading goddamn gossip blogs, leave the office at a respectable hour, stop lying on my timesheet, call my family more often, patch up my relationship with my therapist, avoid filling up my Netflix queue while drunk, learn Spanish, re-subscribe to the Economist and not renew my subscription to the New Yorker, give more to charity, make more in order to give more to charity, quit my job, find a job I love, get insurance, cut down on Tylenol, dust every Saturday, never play Scrabble again, stop sending everyone to voicemail, quit going to Starbucks, masturbate less, have more interesting sex, buy a newspaper every day, rip all my CDs, read that Dog Whisperer book, get the hell out of New York, wash my face before going to bed, stop researching health conditions I don’t have, be more honest, practice meditation more often than once every 52 weeks, cook at home more, take my vitamins, remain mostly cholesterol-free, become a vegetarian, quit visiting the grocery store when I’m hungry, stop smoking, cut down on smoking, stop enslaving myself to regimens of self-improvement, start jogging again.


TMN’s Contributing Writers know where to find the purple couch. Long live the pan flute, mini mafia, and Michael Jackson. More by The Writers