Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
Question: I’m really worried about everything that’s been happening with Lindsay Lohan. Am I the only one who feels this way? —Kelly S.
Answer: You can’t be the only one. But just to be sure, let’s stake out a nearby shopping center and find out…
(i)
Q: Good afternoon sir, are you worried about any celebrities?
A: Yes, thank you for asking. I’m worried about Paris.
Q: Paris Hilton.
A: No, the other one, Paris Latsis. Her fiancé.
Q: Really! Why are you worried about him?
A: Sex with Paris Hilton is an unpleasant experience. I hope he’s thoroughly checking out the merchandise beforehand. That’s all I’m saying.
Q: So you’ve seen the famed Paris Hilton sex tapes?
A: No sir, but I have had sex with her.
Q: Oh! Are you a celebrity?
A: No sir I am a licensed Xerox repair man.
(ii)
Q: Hi, what celebrities are you worried about?
A: [exhales loudly] This whole Brad and Jennifer and Angelina thing.
Q: Yeah, that’s a big one.
A: What a mess.
Q: Totally. Anything about that situation that you’re particularly worried about?
A: Where to even start? Jennifer’s devastated, Angelina is suing every reporter who comes within five feet, Brad’s probably growing wrinkles on his wrinkles. The whole thing is just a headache from the word go.
Q: I see. Well, thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
A: Also—can I add one more thing?
Q: Absolutely.
A: I’m worried that there will be a Brad and Angelina sex video on the internet, but I’ll have trouble downloading it.
(iii)
Q: What about Jessica Alba?
A: Goodness, she’s fetching.
Q: Are you at all worried about her?
A: [considers, shakes head] Not as such. But she is a fine specimen of a woman, no? Admit it.
Q: OK I admit it.
A: Darn right.
Q: So you’re not worried that she’s getting typecast as a sex object and will never achieve the kind of critical acclaim she, as a serious actress, so desperately wants?
A: Aw crap. Poor lady.
(iv)
Q: Good morning, what do you think about Nicole Richie?
A: Oooh. [shakes head] So skinny, that one.
Q: Does that worry you?
A: Not really, because she looks fabulous.
Q: So, I’ll put you down as “not worried about Nicole Richie.”
A: Wait, is that bad? Should I be worried that I’m not more worried about her?
(v)
Q: Hi there, would you be interested in participating in a poll? We’re wondering what celebrities you’re worried about.
A: If I’m honest, there are times I’m worried that Michael Jackson will ask my son to come visit him at his Neverland Ranch.
Q: Is that really a legitimate concern at this point?
A: I guess not. My son is terrified of clowns.
(vi)
Q: What do you think of the whole Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes situation?
A: I’m worried about Katie. I am. I don’t think she understands what she’s getting into with Tom.
Q: So you think that the whole engagement is a ploy of some—
A: But then there are times, every so often, when I think: Well, it’s her problem, not mine. She wants to marry some midget who doesn’t know the first thing about love, let her. And I find myself worrying less and less about her every day. Which worries me. Because who am I to stop caring about Katie Holmes?
Q: …
A: Is she going to be OK?
(vii)
Q: What do you think of the Olsen Twins?
A: I’m worried about that one.
Q: Mary-Kate?
A: No, the other one.
Q: Ashley.
A: Maybe it’s the other one.
Q: What specifically are you worried about?
A: I’m worried that Mary-Kate thinks Ashley hates her.
Q: What makes you worried about that?
A: Well sisters, that’s such a competitive situation, in any family. And with them so young and successful and famous? And one’s got the F in Science, and the eating disorder, and the total disregard for fashion, and the other is all stylish and on the covers of magazines. A situation like that will tear any family asunder. My sister and I, I don’t want to tell you my life story here, but there were years when we didn’t speak, for less than what those poor girls are going through. I just hope Mary-Kate realizes that Ashley loves her no matter what. Ashley just wants her sister to take some time, get her situation together, and everything will be fine in due time. No matter what happens, there’s love there. Always.
Q: Do you know Ashley? It sounds like you have a real firm grasp on the nature of their relationship.
A: Well, I read the magazines.
Q: So you don’t actually know them.
A: It’s just what I hope. [grabs microphone] Ashley honey if you are listening please know that you’ll never have another sister like Mary-Kate and you need to just love her no matter what. This is the time when she needs you most. If you want to hear more about what my sister and I went through you can call me on my cell phone, it’s two-one-two [tape cuts off]
(viii)
A: I’m worried that Tom Cruise might be in love with me. I’m not trying to kid myself—I know he’s not gay. But I’ve always thought that maybe I could pass for female, in a dark room, under heavy blankets.
(ix)
Q: Good morning! What celebrities are you currently worried about?
A: Mmm, no one really comes to mind.
Q: What about Jennifer Lopez, are you worried about her?
A: No, can’t say I am.
Q: Well, sales of her last few albums have failed to meet expectations, and each her last 18 movies have failed to gross $100 million. A lot of people are saying her 15 minutes of fame are just about up.
A: I guess I’m not really worried about any of that.
Q: Man, no one is.
(x)
Q: Ma’am, excuse me, are you worried about any celebrities?
A: Well, I’m worried that Jessica Simpson is going to run for public office, is what I’m worried about.
Q: Can you explain what specifically concerns you about that?
A: I’m worried that she’s going to campaign in an election against someone I oppose so vehemently that I’ll have no choice but to vote for her. And she’ll win. She’ll win, and she’ll be my goddamn state senator or city alderman or president, or whatever. And then what do I do? How do I look my children in the eye, when Jessica Simpson is the alderman of Ward 4?
Q: I don’t know. But do you think that’s likely to happen? That Jessica Simpson would campaign for an elected government position?
A: Well, what other options does she have at this point?
(xi)
Q: Hi, are you worried about any celeb—
A:—Shhhh.
Q: Excuse me?
A:—Shhhh!
Q: …
A: [whispers] Somewhere in Los Angeles, even as we speak, Sharon Stone and Kim Cattrall are rubbing their leathery tongues together.
Q: …Really?
A: Shhhh.
(xii)
A: I’m not worried about any celebrity in particular, per se, but I would describe myself as extremely worried about the vaginas of Hollywood actresses. They go to these premieres, and there’s paparazzi everywhere, photographing them from every angle. These actresses are under huge pressure to wear very slinky and revealing outfits in order to be accepted by the public. V.P.L. must be a huge concern. To be ridiculed far and wide, across TV and the internet, immortalized for all time with Visible Panty Line? Career suicide. So to negotiate around the V.P.L. they—I’m projecting here, I don’t know from first-hand experience—have to wear extremely tricked-out underwear, if they wear any at all. And these thongs and silky undergarments and such, well, you might as well wear a petri dish on your crotch. It’s a veritable haven for bacteria. I’m worried about an epidemic of yeast infections among the vaginas of Hollywood actresses. I hope they will at least get checked out if they notice any burning sensations or a white discharge. And they should think about switching to cotton underwear, because it provides greater breathability.
(xiii)
Q: Hi, good morning. Are there any celebrities you’re worried about?
A: [shakes head sadly] Lindsay.
Q: Lindsay Lohan? What specifically about her worries you?
A: You know, for years, my favorite movie of all time was the remake of The Parent Trap, with Lindsay and Dennis Quaid. Have you seen that?
Q: I have.
A: That handshake she does—
Q:—With the butler, right. I love that.
A: She was so wonderful in that. I must have seen that movie 20 times. And I’m not talking about my formative years, either, I’m talking mid-20s, after three semesters of auteur theory. There’s this one scene, with Chessie, the nanny—
Q: [nods in agreement]. Yes. Go ahead.
A: She realizes that the girl who’s been living with them isn’t Halley, but rather Annie, the twin sister who they haven’t seen since the girls were separated at birth. And her eyes suddenly fill with tears, looking at this girl from across the room, and she says, “She’s beautiful. Can I hug her?”
Q: That part kills me. Every time.
A: Lindsay, it’s all going to be OK. I know what it’s like to be young and self-conscious about your body. The weight stuff will get sorted out. The hair-color stuff will get sorted out. You look different now, and act differently, but I know the wonderful, beautiful, talented Lindsay Lohan that we all fell in love with is still there, right inside you. I worry about you, but I know that you’re going to be OK. This is me: She’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. Can I hug her?
Q: …
A: …
[We hug.]
