Spoofs & Satire

Photograph by Priyanka Kanse

You’re Just Not That Into You

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Maybe you should try closer to home. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, a new book helps you ladies purge your self-loathing.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: You’re Just Not That Into You (One Trick Publishers), on sale Feb. 14, 2009.

From Guy Doush, the best-selling author of Don’t Forget to Shave Your Toes: One-Minute Tricks That Lead to Lasting Love and Let Him Write It on Your Face (And Other Ways Men Say “I Love You”) comes a new relationship tome that is poised to be the must-have guide for any woman who wants to marinate in a loving relationship.

YOU’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU examines the many ways women sabotage their lives and shut love out, offering a five-step program to help women get over their self-loathing and find the love of their dreams. Guy Doush, a seven-year dating veteran, realized most women he went out with were unconsciously preventing themselves from attaining relationship bliss. He notes in the book’s introduction: “I would call my dates the day after to ask them out for the next weekend. Unappreciative of my rigorous approach to the art of wooing, many yelled: ‘You filmed our entire dinner on your camera phone! Leave me alone!’ These women were ultimately too scared to follow the path of happiness—and worse, they were entirely unaware that their debilitating lack of confidence was preventing them from letting men like me offer a real chance at love. I decided it was my mission to write this book, and call attention to the dangerous self-sabotaging habits many women don’t even know they have.”

A tolerator of the sciences, Doush painstakingly draws out the evolutionary forces that have led women to betray their happiness. It starts with Callie, the cavewoman, who grew impatient waiting for her caveman to return and went out and picked berries herself. Not naturally adept at independent survival, she mistakenly chose hallucinatory, high-carb berries, unaware that the small red devils would impair her judgement and make her fat. Soon she began to confuse the serotonin surge of binge-eating forest fruits with the vaginal pleasure of childbirthing, refuting sex, and procreation for a drug-fueled pseudo-happiness. Tired of warding off cavemen’s advances, she began to subconsciously make herself less attractive to men, canceling her weekly tree-sap hair removal appointments and keeping her face out of the sun by hibernating with a pack of gay bears.

Doush draws out the modern equivalents of Callie’s self-destructive habits, teaching women that it’s easy and natural to find happiness in men, but in order to attain real joy they must first rid themselves of their learned notions of faux-happiness.

CHAPTER THREE: Small Signs You Secretly Hate You

  • You have a job.
  • You celebrate your birthday with cake.
  • You celebrate adding years to your life in the first place.
  • You said “yes” to the appetizer combo.
  • You’ve settled for A cups, when you know you deserve better.
  • You’ve settled for size 10 feet, when you know you deserve better.
  • You think ChapStick is a form of makeup.
  • You let yourself get a chin pimple the day before a date.
  • You call your mom.

And the First Reviews Are In

“I vomited 80 times while reading this book.” —Lizzie, 37, purging her self-loathing

“This book is a piece of work…reading this is like being locked in a closet with a pile of…a beautiful, moving fairy tale, Slumdog Millionaire is the one movie you must see this season.” —Atlanta Journal-Constitution

About the Author

Upon being released from jail in 2002, a dark experience he attributes to “loving women too much,” Guy Doush settled outside of Los Angeles, where he discovered his love of writing through his popular Live-Journal, perfect-pussy.livejournal.com, a bi-hourly blog detailing the year he spent preparing his cat for the feline pageant circuit. Author of two best-selling relationship guides, Doush has been interviewed in periodicals such as Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and Ladies Home Journal. Visit the author online at Match.com under the handle SendPicsofUrMom1st.

Forthcoming from One Trick Publishers: Slated for May, Making Grandma Cry: The Genetic Defect Behind Wanton Behavior, is based on the research of Dr. Bob T. Kenclock, who spent five years in the field having sex with women who refute long-term relationships.