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Opinions

Zan: Summertime Superhero

You don’t have a house in the Hamptons, you don’t have a pool; hell, you don’t even have central air conditioning. Face it: The only thing that will save you this summer is a miracle, or a superhero.

As superheroes storm the cineplexes of America and summer’s heat approaches like a giant, flaming meteor, ordinary citizens turn their thoughts toward a single, legendary individual, a man of peerless power and resolve, the only hero fit to handle our summertime needs: Zan, the Wonder Twin.

With a clarion cry of ‘Wonder Twin Powers…Activate!’ and a clink of their matching power rings, the Wonder Twins were always ready to lend a hand when the Superfriends had bigger fish to fry. Jayna could become whatever animal she chose, but Zan’s unique ability to take the form of water, ice, or mist makes him the ultimate summertime superhero.

Here are 25 ways to exploit Zan this season:

Form of: An Ice Cloud!
Purpose: Neutralize mosquitoes

Form of: A Regular Cloud!
Purpose: Shade—anywhere, anytime

Form of: A Self-Sustaining Sprinkler!
Purpose: Water-efficient lawn care

Form of: A Solid-Ice Beach Cooler!
Purpose: Prevent mayonnaise poisoning

Form of: An Oasis!
Purpose: Lure away unsavory company

Form of: A Store of Fresh Water!
Purpose: Preparation for hurricanes; nuclear/chemical/biological attacks

Form of: A Foot Bath!
Purpose: Clear sand from between toes

Form of: Ice Cubes!
Purpose: ‘Do the Right Thing’-style sex scenes

Form of: A Water Pail!
Purpose: Extinguish campfire

Form of: A Snowstorm!
Purpose: Baffle forecasters

Form of: Crushed Ice!
Purpose: Snowcones, shrimp buffet

Form of: An Ice Sculpture!
Purpose: Ice sculptures have no purpose

Form of: Supercooled Liquid!
Purpose: Freeze pipe bomb detonation mechanisms; kill anthrax; shatter terminator cyborgs

Form of: An Ice Piñata!
Purpose: Whacking

Form of: A Tiny Moat!
Purpose: Defense of sand castle

Form of: An Ice Cage!
Purpose: Trap Luthor

Form of: A Placid Pond!
Purpose: Drown your sorrows

Form of: Evaporating Water!
Purpose: Support hydrologic cycle

Form of: Water for ‘Slip ‘n Slide!’
Purpose: Hours of outdoor fun

Form of: Saline Solution!
Purpose: Mid-summer enema

Form of: A Gnarly Wave!
Purpose: Instant mastery of surfing

Form of: Wine!
Purpose: Proving you’re Jesus

Form of: Jacuzzi Water!
Purpose: Attracting women

Form of: Wet T-Shirt Contest Water!
Purpose: Attracting men

Form of: Zan!
Purpose: Attracting gay men