For complete product description, including extremely relevant product reviews, please consult the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Amazon.com product details page.
Head of Mattel Character Brand Development Shari Cloer: Folks, we’ve been handed a golden franchise on a silver platter. A gold platter, I mean. By a butler with a golden arm and like gold teeth. OK? And the only thing worse than not having a golden franchise is having a golden franchise and blowing it. You’ll note this week I’m speaking in a calm, even tone of voice, not using swears or resorting to immature name-calling.
Mattel Product Designer [Boys, Entertainment, Games & Puzzles] Jennifer Koo: Kudos to Demerol.
Cloer: So I’m thinking the best way to thank me for this serene approach is by delivering some new Harry Potter product ideas that won’t blind me with rage.
Mattel Ass’t Product Designer [Girls 8-12] Davis Sinagra: Boss, we got scads.
Cloer: I am going to mentally count backward from ten and then will force a pleasant smile to my face and listen.
Koo: Check it, boss. Sorting Hat Waffle Cones, with a sound chip embedded in the bottom so it’ll talk to the kid while he’s fucking eating it.
Harry Potter Author J. K. Rowling: [unintelligible]
Personal Assistant to J. K. Rowling Michael Spiegel: She says thumbs down and asks if the ball gag is 100 percent necessary.
Cloer: You tell her for me she’s lucky to even be in this room after being pretty much nonstop high-maintenance and hands-on and all-around in-everyone’s-face.
Sinagra: We were thinking we could re-brand some old-school big sellers. Maybe remodel an Etch-a-Sketch into the Harry Potter Magical Drawing Whatever.
Koo: Or Harry Potter Magic Putty. Make it green or—what’s the color of magic?
Sinagra: Sort of a hot purple.
Koo: Yeah like Hot Purple Magical Silly Putty.
Sinagra: Put ‘extreme’ in the title and you’re hitting both genders without breaking a sweat.
Cloer: About three pills ago I would’ve been weeping and shrieking right here in front of everybody. What about refinements to last week’s ideas?
Koo: Oh we totally beefed up the broom.
Sinagra: The broom is tricked out.
Cloer: Good, because I’m not going to sit down with Mitch and say, ‘Here, it’s a broom. We’re going to sell these little bastards a broom, eerily similar to the one currently sitting in their pantry.’
Koo: Oh no way, boss, this broom is supersaturated with value-adds.
Sinagra: Feast your eyes on the prototype.
Koo: The stick is grooved for easy riding.
Sinagra: One size fits all.
Koo: But toss in three AA batteries—
Koo: …and the magic really begins.
Cloer: OK but—wait, what are those god-awful sounds? Is the broom doing that?
Sinagra: That’s the whooshing.
Koo: You fire this thing up, climb aboard, run around, and it provides the whooshing sound for you, italics mine.
Sinagra: The kid is transported right into the world of the movie, as if by Satanic magic.
Spiegel: She says it’s a book, not a movie.
Cloer: But what’s that buzzing? Is that the whooshing?
Koo: Maybe it’s the swooping you’re hearing?
Cloer: I hear buzzing. Are we going to have problems getting approval on this thing? Is it a fire hazard?
Sinagra: I think that’s from the vibrations. We’ll need to modify the casing to keep that noise to a minimum.
Koo: Oh yeah, this little puppy vibrates, too. Like in the movie—
Koo: …where it shimmies around and then pops right into the kid’s hand.
Cloer: Let me give it a test-run.
Sinagra: Do it.
Cloer: Here. Let’s see … how do I ride it when I’m wearing a skirt?
Koo: You could go side-saddle.
Sinagra: Or, hell, just hike up your skirt and wrap your legs around it. We’re all friends here.
Koo: Run around a little to get the full experience.
Cloer: This is just not going to…Hang on. Whoa.
Koo: She’s feeling the magic.
Sinagra: Nice, huh? I feel like I’m sitting here watching an actual real-life game of Flying Broomball or whatever the hell it’s called.
Cloer: Oh yeah.
Koo: It’s a simple device, really, boss. Should be pretty cheap to manufacture. But think of the pleasure it’ll bring millions of kids.
Cloer: I’m … yeah. Yes.
Sinagra: Me, personally, I can’t wait to see all those rosy cheeks come Christmastime. It’s what this job is all about.
Cloer: Oh god. Oh my god.
Koo: Davey, I think we got a winner.
Cloer: Oh my—
Sinagra: I shall high-five you momentarily.
Cloer: FUCK ME, BARBIE! FUCK ME ON THE FLOOR OF YOUR NAP ‘N’ PLAY NURSERY PLAYSET!
Koo: This is going to be big.
Cloer: Mmm. Hm.
Sinagra: I’ll forward the designs to the boys in Production.
Koo: We can have it on the shelves in six months, boss.
Cloer: Do it. I’ll hang on to this prototype for further testing.
Spiegel: She says she wants one, too.
Koo: It’s your close involvement in all aspects of promotions that makes you a personal hero to me, Ms. Rowling.
Sinagra: High five.