Spoofs & Satire

Eat Yr Veggiez

There’s nothing better than kicking back with your friends and tearing open a bag of Doritos Late Night: Cheeseburger Carrot Sticks—or so some farmers hope.

“A group of farmers have gotten together to launch a $25 million ad campaign aimed at making packaged baby carrots cool. The idea is that kids may eat more of them if they can think of carrots as a kind of junk food.”
NPR

Yo, yo, yo! What’s crack-a-lackin’ young’uns? Welcome to Stand 489 of the Farmerz Market, y’all!

I’m farmer Hal McDonald. I’ve been here every weekend for the last six years, although you might not recognize me today, what with my new skinny-cut overalls and throwback high tops. I’ve still got the same John Deere hat, but now I wear it ironically.

Also, I don’t go by Hal anymore. Y’all can call me M.C. Fresh Factor because I’m here to serve the hottest agricultural jams this side o’ the harvest moon. And I’m not talking preserves. That’s stand 415.

What do you say, my man, to-may-to or to-mah-to? It don’t matter because what they should really be called is bro-matoes. I can’t think of a better way to end a night hangin’ with my boys, going to skate parks, and doing grafitti on bridges, than to nosh on some o’ these big reds. Did you know tomatoes are actually fruits and not vegetables? You youth can probably relate to that—being misunderstood, being labeled one thing when you’re another.

I see you eyein’ that pumpkin, gurrl. You know how pumpkins came to be? Mother Nature texted a pumpkin patch and was like, “Hey! Make me some basketballs!” and the pumpkin patch was like, “Yo, babe, you’re crazy if you think I’m gonna pop out a buncha light-as-air balls. Not a chance. Imma put some muscle into it.” So it filled them with all this gnarly orange junk and seeds and stuff.

You’re only going to get one onion? Are you serious? Onions are like potato chips—you can’t have just one. Checkin’ that celery out, player? More like cell-ry if you ask me, considering it spent its whole seedling youth locked up in the slammer that is the ground, ya dig? And all that time stateside only made celery stronger. I mean I’m surprised it’s still legal. Think about it—you cut it up and it can make you skinny if you eat enough of it. Stuff’s like nature’s cocaine, dude!

Broccoli is always a good choice, bro! Steam it and load it up with cheese—that stuff is dee-lish. A little trivia for you: Did you know that broccoli invented the afro? I kid you not. Before Kobe had one, before Snoop Dogg had one, even before Shaft had one, broccoli was rockin’ that style loud and proud!

You’re only going to get one onion? Are you serious? Onions are like potato chips—you can’t have just one. Besides, it’s the only time in your life that you’ll be allowed to put a knife to something that makes you cry without hiring a really good lawyer, know what I mean?

Well, I appreciate you dudes droppin’ by my Saturday-morning digs here at the market. And feel free to holla at my real crib in the country. We got a sweet fall festival planned—you can take a hayride in my lowered, chromed-out wagon or get lost in my corn maze shaped like a giant middle finger.

Sean Adams lives in the Midwest for reasons that are unclear but make sense. His humor has been featured on McSweeney’s, the Barnes & Noble Review, and the Bygone Bureau. Email him here.More by Sean Adams