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Spoofs & Satire

Employees Must Double-Wash Hands

The recent E. Coli scare sent many bags of spinach into the trashbin. Now that the FDA says the outbreak is over, how will restaurants assure us what they’re serving is safe to eat?

In statements Monday and Tuesday, the FDA said it had traced spinach tainted with E. coli bacteria to three California counties, and consumers could be confident that spinach grown elsewhere is safe.

“Consumers are advised not to buy or eat fresh spinach if they cannot verify that it was grown in areas other than the three California counties implicated in the outbreak,” the Illinois Department of Public Health said Tuesday.
Chicago Tribune, Sept. 26, 2006

First Courses

Fresh spinach salad, with non-Californian baby greens, dressed with Fuji apple slices, Japanese walnuts, extra-virgin olive oil, then autoclaved

Caesar salad, eggless and prepared gloved (powder-free) tableside

Wasabi-crusted crab cake, topped with grilled aioli

Potato chowder, with moist towelette

Cheese plate, an assortment of quadruple-pasteurized artisan cheeses, selected daily and served with toast points



Main Courses

Roasted biosphere-range chicken, served with boiled seasonal vegetables, triple-boiled pan juices

Pork shoulder, braised for six weeks and served with raspberry-chili coulis and imitation sweetbreads

Lab-raised salmon, poached and served with grilled frozen asparagus and un-germinated couscous

Fresh-hatched halibut, steamed in ozone-shocked white wine. Served with fennel

Antibiotic-fed rack of lamb in an unfermented brandy reduction, with hydroponic potato puree

Novartis Ranch ground sirloin burger, with or without American cheese (your choice). Served with fries or denuded green salad

Certified GMO grain-fed filet mignon, cooked to well-done perfection. Served with NaCl-crusted baked potato

Irradiated duck confit, served with parsley-infused vitamin mash



Beverages

Ketel Three Percent hydrogen peroxide, shaken with freshly extracted pomegranate juice

San Pellegrino, boiled then chilled to room temperature

Wines: Eli Lilly Non-Organic Chardonnay, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot

Beers: Michelob Ultra



Desserts

Freeze-dried gelato, lavender or country-fresh

Flourless chocolate cake, with Z-pack

Purell, original or sensitive skin
 

biopic

Andrew Womack is a founding editor of The Morning News. He is always working on the next installment of the Albums of the Year series at TMN. More by Andrew Womack