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Frequently Asked Questions About the Toyota Prius

Tired of that gas-guzzler you’ve got parked in the driveway? Perhaps it’s time you drank the antifreeze and experienced the future of the universe, and your reality too.

Q: How does the electric motor in the Toyota Prius work? Do you have to plug it in at night or make sure to drive it only on sunny days?

A: No. The electric motor in the Prius is entirely self-sustaining. It runs on Toyota’s patented “Smug Superiority Aura Drive,” which gathers energy from the Prius driver himself as he silently pities the other drivers on the road for piloting vehicles that get less than 50 miles to the gallon.

Q: I’ve read that the Prius’s performance is comparable to that of the Toyota Camry and Corolla, and yet it costs several thousand dollars more. Why the big price difference?

A: There are many different variables that determine the price of a car—from research and development to manufacturing needs to methods of shipment and distribution—but the biggest difference is that the Prius comes with a giant, $3,000 hand that you can use to pat yourself on the back.

Q: Can you describe the quality of the Prius’s silence when you pull up to a stoplight and the gas engine shuts off entirely?

A: It is the deepest, bone-settled stillness of a kind only experienced by the greatest Zen masters after many decades of study, punctuated by the hammering riffs of System of a Down because the Prius now comes with a six-speaker surround-sound package from JBL, baby!

Q: Is it true that those who purchase the Toyota Prius have a guaranteed path to the afterlife?

A: While it is true that buying a Prius is a supreme act of selflessness that God (regardless of your religious beliefs) looks kindly on, if you use your Prius to, say, plow through the window of a preschool or daycare center, your ascent into heaven may not be certain.

Q: Wouldn’t someone who has chosen to forgo owning a car, any kind of car, be entirely more righteous and good than a Prius owner?

A: No. People who walk and use public transportation are missing out on demonstrating the fuel-saving, environment-sparing Prius to the unenlightened non-hybrid owners and are thus actively hindering the hybrid revolution. How are we going to convert the conventional, internal-combustion-engine drivers of the world unless we’re out front flaunting our superiority?

Think of it this way: Who is more blessed, someone who goes about living a quiet, unassuming existence dedicated to living a life according to God’s holy word or someone like Focus on the Family head Dr. James Dobson, who’s always ready to go on network television to remind us how godly he is and sinful we are by warning us about the dangers of the Senate filibuster, SpongeBob SquarePants, or refusing to spank our children

Also, people who have to take public transportation are usually poor, and as the Bush administration has taught us, if they were blessed, they wouldn’t be poor, silly!

Q: So, are you saying that if Dr. Dobson drove a Prius he would be instantly transformed into a kind of living spirit on Earth, able to read minds, float through walls, cure disease with the touch of his hand, end the tyranny that is the homosexual agenda, and pretty much condemn anyone who doesn’t adhere to his vision of an evangelical Christian United States to eternal hellfire?

A: That’s about the size of it. Yep.

Q: Wow, sounds kind of scary.

A: Not for me. I own a Prius.


TMN contributing writer John Warner’s first novel, The Funny Man was recently published by Soho Press. He teaches at the College of Charleston and is co-color commentator for The Morning News Tournament of Books. More by John Warner