Shortly after the nominees for the 75th Annual Academy Awards were announced on Feb. 11, TMN sex-gimp Joshua Allen was interviewed by Entertainment Weekly for his thoughts and predictions—what follows is a excerpt of the phone conversation, edited for clarity.
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: You saw the nominations this morning, I’m assuming?
JOSHUA ALLEN: The nominations.
EW: The Oscars.
JA: Was…hm. Was that the thing where the dog across the street learned to shovel snow and—
EW: No, it’s—
JA: …and becomes like the hero of the neighborhood, is just the best dog ev—
EW: Uh, that sounds like, maybe—
JA: Oh wait, that was—
EW: …maybe a dream you were—
JA: …that was this sweet dream from earlier this afternoon, ha ha, yeah. Man, what a dog.
EW: So, yeah, I’m talking about the Academy Awards, and th—
JA: Oh hells yes. Hey, Manny, you want to get seriously rich?
EW: Josh, I’m—
JA: I’m wondering aloud here if you’d like lots of, you know, American U.S. dollars to like have, and spend.
EW: If you’re asking—
JA: Because my Oscar predictions are white-hot. Are you picking up what I’m laying down? What you do is take these predictions and get your bookie up on Instant Messenger and say, you know, something like: ‘Dude, all my moneys on Josh’s picks for they are a lock.’
EW: OK, great, will do. Let’s hear it.
JA: These are not guesstimates, Manny. These are glimpses into a future that will definitely come to pass, no doubt.
EW: Then let’s start with Best Actress.
EW: Maybe I should…let me read off the…let’s see…we got Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, Diane Lane, Julianne Moore, Renee Zellweger.
JA: Seriously, read the real list.
EW: That’s it.
JA: That’s—where the hell is Dame Judi? Or, like, Meryl Streep? Who are these kids?
EW: Meryl Streep’s nominated for Best Supporting. And Julianne Moore’s up for that one, too.
JA: Did you see Julianne Moore totally letting the pubes fly in that super-long movie where Huey Lewis pisses on the naked dead corpse?
EW: How could I forget.
JA: Where was the Oscar for that? Hey, what if we could somehow pit Best Julianne Moore versus Supporting Julianne Moore? Put them in the Thunderdome and see who wins the Oscar? Who’s really got the moxie, you know?
EW: Tell me your pick.
JA: My prediction. My prediction is…who’s got the fake nose?
EW: That’s Nicole Kidman.
JA: Fake nose gets it. Every single time. You want to see Oscar-caliber acting? You put on that fake nose and watch the Academy go A-1 ape.
EW: So what about Supporting Actress? Did Julianne Moore win the cage match?
JA: Best Julianne was just toppled by Fake Nose, Manny! Take me off speaker and listen close! For reals!
EW: But Supporting Julianne is still—
JA: Without Best Julianne there is no Supporting Julianne. A doppelganger without its doppelgangee disappears like that. [double snap] Go check some Stephen Hawking or some shit out of the library for once.
EW: OK, so I’m assuming Meryl Streep, then?
JA: Who else you selling?
EW: Kathy Bates, Queen Latifah, Catherine Zeta-Jones.
JA: You better quit funnin.’
EW: No joke.
JA: Oh my god. OK. Wait—is Queen Latifah still black?
JA: When did they start nominating black people?
EW: I think it started last year with Halle Berry.
JA: What? From B*A*P*S?
EW: So you’re thinking maybe Kathy Bates?
JA: Aw, you’re cute. You know they only hand out awards to the hot honeys these days, Mister Man. Who predicted Jennifer Connelly last year? I’m pointing at myself right now. Julia Roberts. Hilary Swank. Angelina Billy Bob. Gwyneth. Kim Basinger. Wake up!
EW: OK, I’m putting you down for Catherine Z-J.
JA: Do it. And tell her I said so. Give her my phone number if she has any follow-up questions or concerns. Remind her for me that Michael Douglas is pushing sixty and might want to consider a hot young temp to help curb his wife’s voracious sexual appetites.
EW: I’ve written a note reminding myself to do that later tonight or maybe tomorrow. So, let’s talk actors.
JA: I better hear Michael Caine or I’m committing some kind of super-elaborate suicide.
EW: Sure, yeah, Michael Caine.
JA: Yes! The Caine. Don’t even front.
EW: We’ve also got Adrien Br—
JA: Please say Adrienne Barbeau.
EW: Adrien Brody.
JA: Here’s me making my ‘Wha?’ face. I’m shrugging and there’s a comical expression of complete bafflement on my face. My voice might sound different while I’m doing it, is how you can tell.
EW: OK, and…Nicolas Cage. And Dan—
JA: Oh wait. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Nicolas Cage. I forgot about him. Flower Thief was a total tour de force. I mean, you can chalk some of it up to the computers, but you gotta have some talent to play every single role in that movie.
EW: I’m not sure if he—
JA: I mean did you see his Meryl Streep? Creepy good. The guy’s the next Guy Who Did The Funny Noises In Police Academy. He’s unstoppable. It’s that Elvis vibe he’s got going. You can’t bang the King’s daughter and not have some of that magic rub off on you. Not that I would know, ha ha! I certainly wouldn’t know anything about that! Don’t print that! [prolonged laughter]
EW: Josh? Can you—
EW: What about Supporting Actor? There’s Chris Cooper—
JA: Oh Nic! You rogue! You big dirty genius!
EW: …Ed Harris, Paul Newman, John C. Reilly, and Christopher Walken.
JA: Well, no one with a middle initial’s going to get it, I’ll tell you that right now. The other three are brawlers, though. You got to ask yourself: Who is the Academy most scared of?
EW: Ed Harris is pretty sinewy.
JA: You know it. And Walken is friends with Richard Dawson, who’d just as soon nutpunch you as say hello. But Newman controls the condiment industry. He could have you killed just by pulling some big lever in his office. No one’s going to touch that. Paul Newman for the big win.
EW: Got it. And Best Picture.
JA: Best Picture. Yes. Bring it.
EW: Chicago. Gangs of New York.
JA: City titles never win. Not since 1951. And it was a different world back then. Today you gotta have a movie about a world, not just a city. Everyone knows this.
EW: The Hours.
JA: Aww, the ladies having problems with their lives. Academy loves that. Even Fake Nose can’t save the day.
EW: The Two Towers.
JA: Oh dude. You remember the part where Nelson flips up onto the horse with one hand? That right there is Best Picture, forget the rest of the movie. Which I did.
EW: So that beats out The Pianist?
JA: The…the what? The… [stifled laughter] Did you just say what I think you said?
EW: Probably not.