Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials

You’ve heard the spots, where the helpful voice of the OnStar satellite representative rushes to the aid of the panicked motorist. But have you heard them all? JOHN WARNER digs through the transcripts that didn’t make the final cut.

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: My ice cream, it’s locked in the car, and it’s melting.

OnStar: Your ice cream is melting?

Customer: Yes, please hurry! It’s like 200 degrees in there!

OnStar: What kind of ice cream is it, ma’am?

Customer: Rocky road!

OnStar: I’m unlocking the vehicle now, ma’am.

Customer: Hurry! My three-year-old is in the car, too! I’m worried he’s going to eat the ice cream! I don’t want him to get fat! That would reflect poorly on my parenting skills!

OnStar: OK, the vehicle should be unlocked now, ma’am, and I’m just going to go ahead and notify child protective services right now, too.

Customer: Oh my God! Damn it! God!

OnStar: Ma’am? Ma’am? Is everything all right? Should I dispatch an ambulance?

Customer: Ambulance? No, but I could use a Good Humor man, this shit’s totally cashed.

* * *

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hey, so, I got an important package in the trunk, but I think I locked my keys in with it when I was dispatching…er…loading it.

OnStar: Not a problem, sir, I’m unlocking the trunk now.

Customer: [sound of trunk opening] Whooo…Jesus, that stinks!

OnStar: Are you OK, sir?

Customer: Yeah, yeah. I just got to get rid of this package as soon as possible. Say, can you give me directions to an abandoned quarry, or maybe some remote wooded spot where I could leave my package?

OnStar: Sure thing. I’m showing that there’s an empty shaft at an old silver mine three miles southwest of your location.

Customer: Perfect! That’s great, perfect. I’m going to need a car wash, too. Someplace discreet, if you know what I’m saying.

OnStar: Absolutely, sir. You and OnStar are speaking the same language.

* * *

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hi, I have a problem.

OnStar: How can I help, sir?

Customer: I’m…umm…27, and still a virgin.

OnStar: How old are you really, sir?

Customer: Twenty-nine?

OnStar: Sir?

Customer: Thirty-six.

OnStar: [partially off mike] Holy shit!

Customer: [muffled crying]

OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?

Customer: Yes.

OnStar: And if your Grakthorian Troll with +12 charisma and 170 hit points were to be attacked by a gelatinous cube, what would you do?

Customer: I would don my cloak of invisibility and bypass the cube to enter the dungeons of Dalagdon.

OnStar: I think I know the answer to the next one, but they make me run down the whole list. Do you live with your mother, or a spinster aunt?

Customer: Both. [weeping]

OnStar: And how often do you masturbate?

Customer: What? Never!

OnStar: Sir.

Customer: Three times a day.

OnStar: And do you look at anime comics while you engage in self-pleasure?

Customer: How did you know?

OnStar: Thank you for your patience, sir, I think we’re just about at a solution. What I’m seeing here is that you are going to have to pay for sex. Is this Visa you have on file with us good to use?

Customer: Yeah, uh, it should be…

OnStar: Sounds good. We’ll forward your payment info on to the dispatching office. Now, what I want you to do is drive 6.2 miles north to the corner of Laurel Avenue, and wait there for a “Miss Star.” She’ll be wearing a leopard-skin skirt and an OnStar jacket. She’ll take care of you from there. All right, I just sent the detailed directions to your on-board navigation system.

Customer: Wow, thank you, OnStar! Maybe I can come thank you in person some time!

OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t.

* * *

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: OnStar, let me explain the situation. I gotta truck filled with 400 cases of illegal Coors beer that I gotta have in Atlanta, Ga., in four hours, and I’m running solo with a smokey on my tail! What in the hell am I gonna do?

OnStar: Uh… Snowman?

Customer: You know it, Bandit good buddy! So are we gonna hit this thing or what?

OnStar: Yee-hah!


TMN contributing writer John Warner’s first novel, The Funny Man was recently published by Soho Press. He teaches at the College of Charleston and is co-color commentator for The Morning News Tournament of Books. More by John Warner