Customer: My ice cream, it’s locked in the car, and it’s melting.
OnStar: Your ice cream is melting?
Customer: Yes, please hurry! It’s like 200 degrees in there!
OnStar: What kind of ice cream is it, ma’am?
Customer: Rocky road!
OnStar: I’m unlocking the vehicle now, ma’am.
Customer: Hurry! My three-year-old is in the car, too! I’m worried he’s going to eat the ice cream! I don’t want him to get fat! That would reflect poorly on my parenting skills!
OnStar: OK, the vehicle should be unlocked now, ma’am, and I’m just going to go ahead and notify child protective services right now, too.
Customer: Oh my God! Damn it! God!
OnStar: Ma’am? Ma’am? Is everything all right? Should I dispatch an ambulance?
Customer: Ambulance? No, but I could use a Good Humor man, this shit’s totally cashed.
OnStar: Hello, OnStar.
Customer: Hey, so, I got an important package in the trunk, but I think I locked my keys in with it when I was dispatching…er…loading it.
OnStar: Not a problem, sir, I’m unlocking the trunk now.
Customer: [sound of trunk opening] Whooo…Jesus, that stinks!
OnStar: Are you OK, sir?
Customer: Yeah, yeah. I just got to get rid of this package as soon as possible. Say, can you give me directions to an abandoned quarry, or maybe some remote wooded spot where I could leave my package?
OnStar: Sure thing. I’m showing that there’s an empty shaft at an old silver mine three miles southwest of your location.
Customer: Perfect! That’s great, perfect. I’m going to need a car wash, too. Someplace discreet, if you know what I’m saying.
OnStar: Absolutely, sir. You and OnStar are speaking the same language.
OnStar: Hello, OnStar.
Customer: Hi, I have a problem.
OnStar: How can I help, sir?
Customer: I’m…umm…27, and still a virgin.
OnStar: How old are you really, sir?
Customer: Twenty-nine?
OnStar: Sir?
Customer: Thirty-six.
OnStar: [partially off mike] Holy shit!
Customer: [muffled crying]
OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?
Customer: Yes.
OnStar: And if your Grakthorian Troll with +12 charisma and 170 hit points were to be attacked by a gelatinous cube, what would you do?
Customer: I would don my cloak of invisibility and bypass the cube to enter the dungeons of Dalagdon.
OnStar: I think I know the answer to the next one, but they make me run down the whole list. Do you live with your mother, or a spinster aunt?
Customer: Both. [weeping]
OnStar: And how often do you masturbate?
Customer: What? Never!
OnStar: Sir.
Customer: Three times a day.
OnStar: And do you look at anime comics while you engage in self-pleasure?
Customer: How did you know?
OnStar: Thank you for your patience, sir, I think we’re just about at a solution. What I’m seeing here is that you are going to have to pay for sex. Is this Visa you have on file with us good to use?
Customer: Yeah, uh, it should be…
OnStar: Sounds good. We’ll forward your payment info on to the dispatching office. Now, what I want you to do is drive 6.2 miles north to the corner of Laurel Avenue, and wait there for a “Miss Star.” She’ll be wearing a leopard-skin skirt and an OnStar jacket. She’ll take care of you from there. All right, I just sent the detailed directions to your on-board navigation system.
Customer: Wow, thank you, OnStar! Maybe I can come thank you in person some time!
OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t.
OnStar: Hello, OnStar.
Customer: OnStar, let me explain the situation. I gotta truck filled with 400 cases of illegal Coors beer that I gotta have in Atlanta, Ga., in four hours, and I’m running solo with a smokey on my tail! What in the hell am I gonna do?
OnStar: Uh… Snowman?
Customer: You know it, Bandit good buddy! So are we gonna hit this thing or what?
OnStar: Yee-hah!
