At long last, with Diet Pepsi stained teeth and a week of trouble sleeping, I’ve bought (and consumed) enough bottles to finally win an iTunes song. ‘One in three wins,’ right. That may be true when they leave the factory, but my personal calculations tell a far sadder story.


Bottle 1

‘I think I’ll try this. I don’t normally drink Pepsi, but look! It’s got that iTunes thing on it.’ A palpable feeling of curiosity washes over me when cracking open the cap, and then: ‘Hmph.’


Bottle 2

‘Let’s go!’ And, no.


Bottle 3

‘This time I have to win, right? Ha, yeah right! Oh well!’ (‘Waitaminute…wasn’t that three?’)


Bottle 4

‘If I win, sure, that’s great, whatever, nope, didn’t win, well, I just drink this stuff because I like it. Really.’ (‘When will I win, PLEASE LET ME WIN.’)


Bottle 5

‘Figures.’


Bottle 6

‘My fingernails are starting to grow at an alarmingly fast rate. Thicker, too.’


Bottle 7

Victory is mine! ‘ONE FREE SONG.’ I throw out the still-full bottle of Diet Pepsi, walk over to the computer, and bring up iTunes. ‘Let’s see…what do I want…’

I search and I search. But the more I look around, the more stuff I find that I want, and the more I decide I don’t just want one song: I want the whole album. But this cap only entitles me to one song. And I’m not going to settle with my one free song and buy the rest; no, I want the whole album in the deal.

So I go downstairs and buy a Diet Pepsi.