I was too late, and it was such a good idea for a story. Sorry, everybody. There could’ve been massive laughs, if done properly – at least a few chuckles, if even done alright. Here’s the premise: It’s 1962, and Brian Epstein is giving the Beatles a new look to make them more accessible, like all the matching suits and everything. So he calls in the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to make them over. Not bad, eh? Of course, there’s no way whatsoever that the story can be written now. After all, those Queer Eye guys have pretty much reached total media saturation. I was actually writing the first part of the story when I saw they were at the MTV Video Music Awards. And then it was pretty much ‘uh-uh.’ There was no way it could be written after that. Was it that it was no longer topical? I dunno. It was probably more topical than ever. But it just didn’t seem appropriate any longer. Probably because of all the pun-laden headlines, formulaically aping a ‘Queer-Something for the Something-Something’ take. Ack, too late, too late.

But I had some brief parts worked out that, done a few weeks prior and fleshed out further, could’ve been a whole story.


* * *

[Brian opens the door and there are the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys – Kyan, Ted, Carson, Jai, and Thom] All five: He-ey! We’re the Fab Five!

George: Gear!


* * *

Kyan: So, what you’ve got going on here with the hair is kind of an homage to a fast-food restaurant grease pit?

John: Leave me hair alone, mate. Do need some help with me spots, though.


* * *

Thom: So, Pete, what I’ve done here is added a tiled corkboard layer to the front of your bass drum. They’re decorative in pistachio and maroon – very it – yet also functional for keeping reminders and important dates handy! [points to fake ‘Picnic at park!’ note pinned to the front of the drum kit]

Pete: Wow! That’s really nice. I like it a lot.

Thom: Good! Otherwise we’d have to boot you! Just joking!

Pete: Wha–?


* * *

Ted: I thought what we’d do for the big show is have a nice buffet, let everyone serve themselves, but still have a fun element to it, maybe include some bowls of jellybeans everywhere.

George: I don’t think that’s such a good idea.


* * *

Carson: Alright, boys, I’ve picked you out four matching suits from John Bartlett. They’re cut a tight in the crotches to show off your Love-Me-Do’s!

Paul: Gear!


* * *

There would’ve also been something about how the term ‘Fab Four’ was actually coined by the Queer Eye guys, and that they were the first ones to apply it to the Beatles. But that, like the rest of it, just didn’t ever get written.