Funeral Rider

Available at the service to all attendees must be a compilation of the below songs, as specified by the deceased. The music should be distributed in whatever format is deemed appropriate in that era of technology. On a space tape, or whatever.

» Hear “Time Thief” by the Pale Saints at Pogoagogo

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The music played during the service should be nothing too obvious; the following songs must be avoided:
  • “Wild Horses”
  • “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia”
  • Anything by Morrissey
However, to comply with the deceased’s life-long love of the Smiths, an instrumental should be included.

» Hear “The Draize Train (Live)” by the Smiths (this mp3 has been removed)

* * *

Photographs covering the deceased’s life are acceptable, and should cover his entire life’s span, as much as possible. The baby photo where he is pants-less and pointing at the bathtub may now, as the deceased decreed when he was 11 years old, be available for all to see.

» Hear “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” by Stevie Wonder

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The body should be dressed in the “new waver” style favored by the deceased in the late ‘80s. Look in the back of his closet for the garment bag marked “SAVE” for the proper outfit. Included with the outfit is a photo of the deceased from that period. The mortician is free to use whatever creative techniques necessary to ensure the clothing fits. If no hair is available to style as depicted in the photo, some should be procured, preferably through legal channels.

» Hear “But Not Tonight” by Depeche Mode at Looking at Them

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The deceased’s guitars should be displayed near the body. They should not be arranged in a V-shape or anything resembling an altar. Funerary wreaths in flowers appropriate to that season may be draped over the necks of the guitars; however, no more than one (1) wreath per neck.

» Hear “Show Me Mary” by Catherine Wheel at 100 Records

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The funeral service will end soon after the deceased’s body is jettisoned into orbit around his home planet.

» Hear “Regret” by New Order at The Rich Girls Are Weeping


Andrew Womack is a founding editor of The Morning News. He is always working on the next installment of the Albums of the Year series at TMN. More by Andrew Womack

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