The Tennis Handsomes

Hello Daddy, Hello Mom

Hello Daddy, Hello Mom
Credit: Mike McCune

There was no blood drawn this week, no Perrier signs smashed, and although Melanie Oudin did not even play in a tournament this week, she is still the young American I am most excited about this Monday morning. Today starts Wimbledon, and the officials at the All England Club have agreed with my thinking that Oudin is going to explode this summer—and I mean that metaphorically.

She did not qualify for the main draw at Wimbledon this year because of her terrible play over the last three years (she peaked at No. 30 in the world after her quarterfinal run in the 2010 U.S. Open, and had slid all the way down to the mid-200s by this year). Last week, however, she won her first Women’s Tennis Association title ever in Birmingham last week, which she celebrated by inexplicably wearing a Santa hat in June, and the Wimbledon suits gave her a wild card in. Oudin is not going to win Wimbledon. But she is going to win some matches there, and I’m excited. Watch: She’s going to beat someone big.

In Eastborne, where the largest grass court tune up was played this week, the consistency of one American helped end the consistency of another. Sam Querrey maintained his unbelievable string of injuries while Andy Roddick managed to end his unbelievable string of losing matches.

Roddick took out Querrey in the first round (a terrible draw for American tennis fans), but not because Roddick actually beat him, mind you; Querrey defaulted after 24 minutes with a back injury. Querrey, I cannot mention your name without also thinking of your infected umbilical cord and your swan dive through a glass table. No word exactly on how his back was injured this time, but let’s hope it was because of tennis, not womb appendages or furniture. Roddick went on to actually win the whole tournament.

But I’m not interested in him. I’m more excited that young hothead Ryan Harrison made it to the semis in Eastborne and then melted down so badly in the last set that the whole crowd was on high alert for flung racquets.

Watch Oudin to win her first round today. Watch for Harrison to win at least one match and then lose another while freaking out. And, because it’s amazing and consistent and has to do with underwear, watch Rafael Nadal pick his nether garments out of his rear end before every serve he hits.


Nic Brown is the author of the novel Doubles and the story collection Floodmarkers. His writing has appeared in the New York Times, the Harvard Review, and Epoch, among many other publications. He is currently the John and Renee Grisham Writer in Residence at the University of Mississippi. More by Nic Brown