If you’re like me, you’re busily fashioning a full-size model of Ryan Reynolds from ordinary household objects. The things we do for love, am I right?

Not that a fake Ryan Reynolds doesn’t provide SOME comfort and pleasure on this, the most romantic day of the year, but don’t you think it would nice to spend Valentine’s Day snuggling up to an ACTUAL celebrity, and not one whose face is a blown-up picture you cut out of InStyle magazine and taped to a salad spinner? Pro tip: If you turn the spinner gently, it’s like he’s tilting his head thoughtfully at something you whispered in his ear. Kinda cool.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how a regular person like me could ever date an actual celebrity. Although the solution came to me too late to be useful this year, I think I have finally cracked the code. Are you truly ready and sincere in your interest in dating a celebrity? Shall I share these secrets? Salad spinner Ryan Reynolds says yes.

Step 1: Do not be a celebrity!

You probably think, If I want to meet a celebrity, the sure-fire method is to move on out to Hollywood and be a celebrity myself! NOPE. WRONG-O. Think about it: Relationships between celebrities rarely work out, on account of them being continually jealous of each other’s careers. Celebrities are much more likely to find you attractive if they don’t see you as a threat to their spotlight. I mean it’s not like you see Jason Bateman and Nathan Fillion in a mutually exclusive relationship, is it? My brain just went to an incredibly sexual place, hold on. Okay I’m back.

The first secret to dating a celebrity is to be a boring, average person. Try to have a really low-key job, something vaguely depressing and wholly uninteresting. Maybe it’s what you’re already doing! Find a job where it’s more important that your boss see you sitting at your desk for eight hours a day than it is that you actually accomplish anything. Then just sit there and stare at the clock and do NOT go out on any casting calls. Do not draw attention to yourself in any way. If you are unhappy in your work, with no chance that you will ever be famous, you are on the right track to dating a celebrity.

Step 2: Meet some celebrities!

Next we head on down to the fancy VIP nightclubs where the stars chillax, right? NOPE AGAIN. What if I told you you could meet the celebrity of your dreams while lying in bed, surrounded by Doritos and cats? This is the age of social media: You can befriend celebrities without even putting on clean clothes.

The best way to meet a celebrity these days is to talk to them on Twitter. But don’t just follow them and immediately start peppering them with interesting factoids about yourself. Start off slow, by fav-ing and retweeting everything they say. Celebrities LOVE that. It shows them that you value their personal brand and believe strongly in their value proposition.

After you have RTed them a bunch you can start quoting their tweets and adding your own “flava.” Like when your dream celebrity tweets, “OMG my new movie opens tomorrow!!!”, quote their tweet and then add something like “Yay!” or “Can’t wait!” This will show the celebrity that you support them and their career and want to see them succeed, and also that you are a chill person with good vibes and no ego who loves to laugh. This is EXACTLY the type of person celebrities are attracted to.

Once you’ve done this many, many times it’s probably safe to start talking to them on Twitter. Start off slow, being encouraging and supportive. Tell them which of their tweets are particularly hilarious. Tell them which songs or movies of theirs you particularly love. Then you will feel comfortable moving on to longer-form conversations, and you can ask them their thoughts on various topics from the news, or wow them with multiple tweets showing off how much trivia you know about their lives. Use a LOT of emoticons. Many people go for a smiley clown face like :O) but lately I have been using ;D—the wink says “I’m playfully sexual” and the D says “my mouth is happy to be wide open in your direction.”

If you interact with a celebrity online enough, they will surely eventually fall in love with you. They will get addicted to all those favs and RTs and before long they will not know how to get along with them. Yes, social media can be very addictive! It’s a deadly trap for celebrities to fall into. A deadly love trap, that is. ;D

Steps 3-5: Get married, move in together, and get ready for serious passion.

I guess those are all self-explanatory.

And there you have it. Thank you for reading my guide to spending Valentine’s Day with a famous celebrity. Tweet it, reblog it, like it on Facebook, and let’s all meet back here next Valentine’s Day to share stories about all the amazing, sensual, emotionally intimate moments we’re having with various stars of stage and screen. I better stop writing now because I think salad spinner Ryan Reynolds is getting jealous! Celebs! Ugh!