What better way to spend a long winter weekend inside, terrified to leave your home because your snow boots still haven’t arrived in the mail and your front sidewalk is awash in an ice floe, than to watch cable TV? I never found out, that’s for sure. But I did learn that Lifetime (‘Television for Women’) is filled with the weirdest stuff going. What any of their movies have to do with ‘life,’ I don’t know, since many of the plotlines are about as far from your average reality – for men or women – as you could imagine. But look who stars in some of these movies! Delta Burke! Judge Reinhold! Back from the dead? Possibly. But the real fun happens when you track the unbelievable plotlines to their stars’ careers. What does it say about their lifetimes?

Movie: Nightmare Street
Starring: Sherilyn Fenn
Synopsis: Fenn is injured while saving her daughter from an accident. She wakes up in a hospital – in an alternate reality.
Real-life Meaning: In an alternate reality, ex-Twin Peaks star Sherilyn Fenn would have been the one who would end up in a popular courtroom drama, but hopefully not dating Jack Nicholson on the side.

Movie: As Good as Dead
Starring: Traci Lords, Crystal Bernard, Judge Reinhold
Synopsis: Bernard and Lords cook up an insurance scheme where they trade identities so Lords can have an important operation. But when she dies on the table – Bernard is the one who is legally dead.
Real-life Meaning: And probably wishes she were after doing this. Reinhold, on the other hand, just wants that sought-after 1-800-COLLECT deal finally inked so he can lay off of the heavy acting.

Movie: A Face to Die For
Starring: Yasmine Bleeth
Synopsis: Bleeth is a morbidly scarred woman who is taken advantage of by a grifter. After a doctor makes her beautiful, she exacts her revenge on those who’ve wronged her.
Real-life Meaning: That mug shot proves the surgery is reversible.