It’s that time of year again, it’s probably sometime this week, and, rest assured, you’re going to make an ass of yourself: the office holiday party.

Consider these Office Party Tips from Christmas.com that range from the logical

Select an alternative location for the party if it is decided not to have the party at the office.

Determine how the office party will be financed and/or sponsored.

to the ludicrous.

Arrange for a high school band or madrigal choir to play/sing Christmas carols during the party.

Have employees display their talent through funny skits and/or musical selections.

For more specialized advice, turn to Adweak’s ‘Things Not to Do at Your Agency Holiday Party’

Take video of CEO dancing so you can later edit it together with ‘Do You Think I’m Sexy’ soundtrack.

Offer CFO ‘a little tootski’ to loosen up a bit.

On the other hand, workers in the U.K. have no problem ripping loose at their office holiday parties, given recent statistics that show ‘One in Four Has Sex in Car After Xmas Party.’

One in four Britons has had sex in the car park after the office Christmas party, according to a survey, which said more than 80 percent of British people admitted to enjoying saucy in-car activity.

Are our holiday parties here in the U.S. that boring? Have so many bugs crawled up our butts and died? Are we so work-focused that we’ve forgotten how to have a good time? In a word, yes.

US companies now offer advice beginning ‘If you must serve alcohol…’ before going on to offer tips on such jolly topics as (and I only wish I was making this up) ‘metering drink procurement through coupons.’

But we do have our moments.

‘At Coco Opera,’ remembers another ad executive, ‘a friend of mine dirty-danced with the CEO but didn’t even remember. They hadn’t been introduced before, and he was all over her.’ ‘We lit up a joint,’ confesses a media writer of a recent holiday soirée. ‘The security guard threw ten of us out of our own Christmas party.’ A prominent gym chain’s event devolved into a debauched scene of trainers drinking and taking bong hits. ‘The elevator was broken,’ recalls a reveler, ‘and everyone was bitching about having to climb the stairs.’ A former Balthazar bartender says he heard that punches were thrown after a few too many vodka shots at a Yuletide fête Keith McNally held for his staff at Pravda. Even a goodwill game of Secret Santa can get dicey: At Time Out New York, a fight almost broke out when one gentleman presented a male colleague with a chocolate penis. And after a Condé Nast magazine’s party at the SoHo Grand, ‘one guy peed on the red carpet,’ recalls a co-worker. ‘Right out in front of everybody.’ At a film company, says one employee, ‘someone always vomits and has to get carried out.’