In case you’re in the middle category – I don’t know anyone, oh my God this is terrible why do I do this to myself wait, here’s someone, maybe they’re friendly, ‘Hi, are you here for The Morning News party? No? And this is your stool?’ God kill me now – here’s a guide to TMN folks who are confirmed attendees, so you can identify a friendly face in the crowd.
Rosecrans Baldwin: Will be wearing a black suit, white shirt, and black tie. WASP-y looking, POOF-ty acting. In his youth he was nearly as handsome as Clay Risen, now not quite.
Andrew Womack: Will be wearing a black suit, white shirt, and black tie. POOF-ty looking, WASP-y acting. Two stops short of Clay Risen good looks.
Sarah Hepola: Handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition. Frequently seen near Clay Risen, though rarely on Clay Risen.
Josh Allen: Neither dashingly handsome nor yet unbearably ugly, neither too stout nor yet too thin; it could not be claimed that he was old, but he was no stripling either. Body-double for Clay Risen in foreign markets.
Paul Ford: A man in cream-colors, his cheek is fair, his chin downy, his hair flaxen, his hat a white fur one, with a long fleecy nap. Thinks Clay Risen is the name of his tissue box.
Dennis Mahoney: That young man with the long, auburn hair and the impudent face – that young man was not really a poet; but surely he was a poem. Faints at the very whisper of ‘Clay Risen.’
Clay Risen: Always a let-down.
Hope to see you there!
(Books used for this letter: Emma; Dead Souls; The Confidence-Man; The Man Who was Thursday.)