Questionable Band Bios

While I usually try to share true and pertinent information about the bands featured here, this week I’ve scoured the web for songs I like from bands I’ve never heard of. (And please, there’s no need for any of that childish “Man, I can’t believe you haven’t heard of Mom” kind of feedback). Then, based on their music and whatever clues their names provide, I will create for each a completely erroneous group bio. Remember that when written these errors are called “libel,” not “slander.”

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Having met in line for tickets to a Cyndi Lauper concert when they were in kindergarten, the members of Sara Berg then parted ways only to miraculously meet 20 years later while in line for the release of the Labyrinth DVD. Deciding that fate knew better than them, these otherwise perfect strangers quit their jobs (four of them worked at vintage clothing stores), pooled their resources to buy a Casio keyboard, and set out to capture the sounds that had captured their hearts so many years before.

» Listen to “Crawl Back From Under” at It’s A Trap

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Despite appearances, there’s a world of difference between the band Mom and your mom. The band Mom formed in the back room of an acoustic instrument shop in Asheville, NC, with free access to guitars, dulcimers, and mandolins informing their folksy, pleasant sensibility. Your mom formed in your grandmother’s womb, breached at birth, which forced a C-section that your grandmother always resented—which informs your mother’s nervous, approval-seeking sensibility. However, much like your mom, the band Mom wishes you didn’t live so far away.

» Listen to “Josh Likes Me” at Gorilla vs. Bear

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Rocketing to stardom in the mid-’50s by meat magnate, famed producer, and then-husband Leland “Porks” McLaughlin, Sissy Wish (born Sally Hope) was able to hide her socially unsettling condition (she was born without a face) from all but her closest friends and family until an ill-advised performance on The Steve Allen Show in 1959 where she was set to perform her hit song, “Beauties Never Die,” but could not due to an ensuing riot after Allen himself declared her the “worst abomination a vengeful God could muster.” She proves her song’s rule by celebrating her 70th birthday this year.

» Listen to “Beauties Never Die” at Fluxblog

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The final summer before senior year took an unexpected turn when Long Island twins Aaron and Billy Sorenson were visited by classmate Marcus Culpepper, who had just purchased a copy of Santana’s Abraxas. All three boys dropped acid before listening to the entire album several times over. They claimed their consciousness expanded exponentially and decided that instead of returning to school in the fall they would form a new religion and live with whatever followers they could find on a commune they would build upstate. This being 2003 and their atavistic revelations widely derided, the boys settled on continuing to take acid and formed the band Rovo instead.

» Listen to “Sunspot” at Needing to Be

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Insurance salesmen by day, Witchdoctor (their name derived from a play on their most common question to potential clients: “Which doctors are covered by your HMO?”) moonlights as a hip-hop duo to help defray the cost of their timeshare in Palm Beach. Hailing from Atlanta, Gary Huston and Harold White gained the notoriety and “street” credibility necessary to launch their rap careers by guaranteeing the lowest co-pay rates in low-income neighborhoods.

» Listen to “The Barrel” at Raised on Indie

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As their name suggests, Smart Went Crazy picked their band name themselves.

» Listen to “Funny as in Funny Ha-Ha” at Ask Me About My Invisible Friends

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Formerly known as On a Friday, these five college friends renamed their group Radiohead after a Talking Heads song. Disoriented by the name change, the band lost their ardent fan base and was never heard from again.

» Listen to “Reckoner” at Captain Obvious


TMN Editor Erik Bryan is living the dream. He grew up in Florida, but he’s from all over. He likes playing chess, making cocktails, smarting off, and not freezing to death in Brooklyn, where he currently resides. More by Erik Bryan

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