Letters From the Editor

The Corrections

To the people who came to last night’s Third Thursday, a few corrections for things I may have said while toasting, and, at the time, been wrong about.

I am not Danish, nor am I from good Danish stock, ‘the old country,’ or an heir to the Danish throne, if Denmark has a royal family.

I don’t love you. I do think you’re great and all, but let’s not go overboard.

John Currin is not my best friend. I can’t get you free passes to the show. I have never, never seen his wife topless, and I certainly can’t say she looked exactly like the girls in his ‘Honeymoon’ series.

My name doesn’t mean hooch in German.

I have ten toes. And eleven-toed people probably don?t count themselves blessed.

I did not lose my virginity on the back of ten horses in the Mongolian steppes, to a pair of identical twins from Kashmir, Urda and Adru, while racing 60 m.p.h. toward a cliff and certain death only to be saved by an X-rated intervention from Urda and Adru’s younger twin sisters, Sheila and Flopsy. Why would you believe that in the first place?

You do look great in red. It complements your skin tone and your eyes. I have never heard anyone describe you as ‘a tomato with saggy pockets.’

Though true there is no dictionary recommending ‘hot’ should be spelled with three t’s, this is neither tragedy nor crime.

Had I ever gotten in a fight with a former lightweight boxing champion from New Mexico who challenged me to a game of ‘punch’ in a shitty bar in the West Village, I would not have ducked as I may have suggested, I probably would have gotten socked in the chest really hard, so I had to sit down with the wind knocked out of me, and struggled to move my right arm for days.

No one’s liver is lined with steel, not even mine, which hurts right now.

Liebzstick did not discover the radial aspects of a dynamic fourth-dimension vector, neither in theory or experiment, and therefore did not inspire by degrees the Spanish Civil War or Franco’s taste for astral conjecture, and when he was hanged Liebzstick was by no means under orders from the Belgian court to keep his scrotum tied to his tongue with a piece of rope in order ‘to stem any further vile output.’ Hell, I made that up.

We will do Third Thursday again, next month, same time, same place. I know I said we should do it on the Fourth Fridays and Most Mondays too, but let’s call that overkill. See you in four weeks, and happy holidays.

Yours,
Rosecrans
biopic

Rosecrans Baldwin co-founded TMN with publisher Andrew Womack in 1999. He is the author of three books, including his latest novel The Last Kid Left (NPR’s Best Books of the Year). His nonfiction appears in a variety of magazines, mostly GQ. More information can be found at rosecransbaldwin.com. More by Rosecrans Baldwin

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