I spent my college years working at a daycare with four- and five-year-olds who screamed a lot, hurt themselves easily, and sometimes wet the bed. They reminded me a lot of my friends at the time. Turn on loud music, blow some atmospheric bubbles, and the only difference between my toddlers and my college buddies was 15 years and a bottle of Goldschlager. This lead me to a theory, which I still hold today, that children are just a bunch of drunk people. I’m sure someone funnier and smarter and less lazy than I am has written a ribald essay on this topic. In the meantime, here are a few videos which prove my point.



Frankly, this is funnier than Blades of Glory. Forget John Heder. Will Ferrell’s next sidekick should be Suri Cruise. (Shout-out to Rachel for sending the video.)


* * *

Here is a YouTube chestnut of yore, the crazy laughing baby who seems to have just loaded up on whip-its. If this baby isn’t diaper-deep into a Jack Daniels bender, then I just don’t know my alcoholics anymore.



Also, here is a baby named Theo who probably murdered his parents shortly after this video was shot:



And now, an imitation of me last Sunday morning at 4 a.m. How did this baby know I was wearing that basketball jersey?




* * *

Well, I think I’ve proved my point. It wasn’t like I was proving the existence of God, after all; this is kind of a no-brainer. But to bring this whole spiel together, here’s the Baby Jesus Prayer as performed by Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights. Haven’t seen it yet? No need. Just watch this. Amen.