As a kid, I loved candy cigarettes. I was obsessed with Hollywood glamour, with being an adult even as I was just learning the wobbly letters of my first name. It was a powerful feeling to slip that sweet, chalky stick between my lips and puff away. If you sucked in the powder just right, you could actually expel something vaguely resembling smoke. You could also accidentally choke. Whatever, it made good bubble gum. Eventually, hardnosed anti-smoking advocates (along with every sensible bureau in the country) put that kibosh on those things in favor of such nourishing candy as Gummi brains and chewable intestines. Honestly, I don’t know what the big deal was about selling candy cigarettes to kids. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just need to ash this Camel Filter and untangle my iron lung.

Candy cigarettes were on my mind this week, because I saw this ad for children’s beer. Sheesh, back in my day, children drank real beer. Fake beer is for sissies.



This seems like an appropriate time to segue to a discussion of Sicko, Michael Moore’s documentary about the healthcare industry. The trailer was recently released, and it looks just as exciting, hilarious, infuriating, and factually loosey-goosey as any Moore tour de force. Maybe by the time it comes out, I’ll actually have insurance.



There is no other way to break this to you: The next clip is a man getting a massage from baby goats. People, this goes on for five minutes. And maybe all the nicotine and cyanide are getting to me, but it’s also kind of zen, the visual equivalent of pan flute and a waterfall sculpture. Like, wouldn’t this world be awesome if the baby goats could travel with you? If you could unfold them in your hotel and let them pad all around your sore trapezium? Next time my back is sore, I’m visiting a farm.

And then, we have a clip from Wheel of Fortune. Eh, big deal, right? Except this Wheel of Fortune features James Brown, Little Richard, Weird Al Yankovic, and… Lee Greenwood? I know, I know: It’s my fantasy dinner party, too. For some reason (drugs), Little Richard and James Brown are playing as a team. Poor James. The last time he tried to buy a vowel, he smoked it all under the bridge in one hit.



I know you would never forgive me if I didn’t leave you with this clip of a kitten in a box. Ladies and gentlemen, that kitten is not giving up the box. Long live the box kitten. See you next week.