All the Bikes We Cannot See
A record number of injuries and disqualifications in this year’s Tour de France is being blamed on addictions to contemporary fiction.
Spoofs & Satire
A collection of 230 issues
Death Means No Reversible Error
Whenever lethal injection drugs are unavailable, Utah will allow death-row prisoners to choose death by firing squad, citing it as the most “humane” option.
HBO’s Treme Corners You at a Party
When art is staring you in the face, you can’t look away.
Gods and Kings and Middle Managers
Recent astronomical discoveries have expanded our understanding of the universe—and messed up godhead performance reviews.
Kafka’s Kickstarter
The latest works from the author will be given with pleasure, and received with thanks, but we need your support.
The Pitch
Idea for a television show: a teenager has the power to turn fantasy into reality—but she doesn’t know it. It's “Amelia Bedelia” meets “Quantum Leap.”
This Will Be the Year That Was
If you can't wait to find out what 2015 will bring—from John Galliano's Cosby sweaters to Jenny McCarthy getting polio—wait no longer. (Spoilers ahead.)
Admirable Restraint
Understatement can help us cope with disaster. But in the case of Paul McCartney, a little doesn’t always go a long way.
The Great Gtzzby
The Jazz Age blasts into orbit, adding oxygen parties and mighty pincers to the rise-and-fall decadence of the intergalactic one percent.
We Are Not Beasts, We Are Gurus
Stranded on a desert island, a panel of self-help authors must rely on their wits and catchphrases to survive.
The Mall of the Wild
Even cable series must adapt to survive. Possible spinoffs of “Naked and Afraid” explore charted territory.
This Will Be the Year That Was
At the dawn of 2014, we anticipate what will happen in our new year. This is what will happen.
Greetings From Sloane-10b
As New York real estate prices skyrocket, it’s time to head where no gentrifier has gone before.
More Home Runs Are Hit With Guns Than Baseball Bats
What happens before an NRA-commissioned—or rather, university-approved—study reaches the public.
Natural Born Tourists
When a vacation rental doesn’t live up to expectations, when that “charming Montauk cabin” turns out to be a shed, one family’s solution is passive-aggressive guestbook commentary.
Put These on My Byline
In line at the grocery store, the economics of online writing.
With Great Power
There’s a new Spider-Man movie in the works, but it’s not the one you're expecting. Thanks to the magic of crowd-funding, it could be the summer blockbuster nobody sees.
It’s Complicated
Though mothers may gnash their teeth at forgotten flowers and missing brunches, the poets still sing of the worst Mother’s Day ever: that of Oedipus and his bride.
Art of the Steal
Western museums aren’t exactly known for possessing sterling records when it comes to acquiring the treasures of foreign countries. So when the Met is pressured to return its valuables, a mea culpa seems due.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Wed
To wed or not to wed? There’s the rub. Revisiting Tom Stoppard’s classic in the era of gay marriage.
Pope Francis of Carhartt
The media has labored to stress the humility of the 266th and current Pope of the Catholic Church. But somehow they missed his taste for Burt Reynolds movies, and other signs of holy humbleness.
Papal Haze
Even as the Roman Catholic world prepares to welcome its 267th leader, the papacy remains mysterious and misunderstood. It's time to explore the world of popes!
A Supposedly Fun Thing I Will Probably Do Again
Yesterday morning, a plane landed at an airport. A man who was or was not a famous actor, and a writer who was or was not in love with him, stood on the verge of finally meeting. A Valentine's Day story for the romantic and/or foolish at heart.
Mea Culpa, Oprah
Ever since Lance Armstrong told Oprah about his persistent doping, lying, and just plain being mean, celebrities are lining up for their own public confessions. Starting with “Breaking Bad’s” Walter White.
The Petition Response Strikes Back
The White House recently turned down a petition to build a Death Star. More responses from the official rejection pile.
Handicapped Children
All parents like to believe their children are special. But horse breeders know better: Progeny can be unique, but for very particular reasons. How to be more honest about your offspring and their ability to finish in the money.
This Will Be the Year That Was
Already 2013 has seen America drive off the fiscal cliff, only to freeze momentarily, then either reverse in mid-air or drop straight into the canyon—depending on how you look at it. Here's more of what to expect over the next 12 months.
Words Fail
This is the essay for your community college poetry class, the essay that encapsulates your thoughts on the assigned work in written form, the essay you started this morning, the essay that is due today.
Stop, Don’t Shoot
You witness an incident occur directly in front of you. You see every detail. There's time to help—but should you get involved? A handy guide for photographers.
MarketStrong
After resigning in disgrace from the charity he helped found and losing his sponsorship with Nike, Lance Armstrong now must cope with the leak of his new memoir—excerpted here.
Dear Literary Magazine
Every day, rejections from lit mags flood the inboxes of thousands of writers the world over. Today, one writer changes all that.
Fifty States of Grey
A trilogy of erotic novels are sweeping America, scheduled to sell 20 million copies this week. Here, a state-by-state guide on how the books are being adapted for local markets.
Coming to a Theater Near You
With blockbusters like “Snow White and the Huntsman,” “Zombie Overkill,” and “Yahtzee: Alien Invasion,” it’s already a smash hit for summer movies. But film buffs know Summer 2013 will be even better—and we’re not just talking about Jerry Bruckheimer’s live-action “Hungry Hungry Hippo Apocalypse.”
Doomsday Slackers
We open the bunker on doomsayers preparing for the end of civilization—but not all them will survive the first hour of armageddon.
From the Files of the Dream Police
They’re waiting for you. They’re looking for you. Every single night they’re on duty, ready to drive you insane. Stories from the blotter of the men inside your brain.
Our Future National Pastime
Predictions for the baseball season ahead from someone who hasn’t paid attention to sports statistics since the 1992 Orioles.
Life After Long-Term Unemployment
You wanted it. You were willing to give up BBC dramas for it. Now it’s time to readjust to the working life. Welcome back.
This Will Be the Year That Was
As 2012 hatches, many face the new year with trepidation and excitement. Whose political fortunes will shine brightest? Were the Mayans right? Here are startlingly accurate predictions for the year ahead.
The Luxe Love Life of Veronica van der Vöorhies
When hard times hit a notable—and note-taking—member of Manhattan's 1%, she seeks out comfort in warm arms, big and strong, at New York's Zuccotti Park.
The Atari Orgablet 2600
From the Kindle Fire to the iPad 2, the market is flooded with tablets. But only one can deliver a constant orgasm directly to its user.
Remembering Anwar Al-Awlaki, a Mellow Cat
When al Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki was killed in a drone attack late last month, friends and colleagues were left to mourn a man of generosity, humility, and an amazing porno collection.
What's On?
With more than 70 TV show premieres this fall, who has time to watch them all? Or even know what any of them are about? With no prior knowledge of the shows' premises, here are some guesses.
Calypso Now
With the U.S. military engaged in multiple battles around the world, it’s time to revisit that haunting classic of war and steel-drum cinema, “Apocalypso Now.”
Define the Ratio of People to Cake
After the world’s oddest job-interview questions, from companies like Citigroup and Facebook, were revealed, our writer decided to take all of them to prove he’s hirable anywhere.
Incentivize Your Exciting New Death
You’ve died and gone to heaven. Well, unemployment is bad there, too. Sensitivity training, immigration snags, and the smell of bishops in paradise.
Everyone Must Go
You've seen the billboards and the banner ads: Judgment Day is coming on May 21. But just because you're saved doesn't mean you're home-free. Brimstone Barney's Apocalypse Surplus has just the deal for you.
The Pale Serfs
Accountants aren’t the only ones inspired by “Joint Strike Fighter Property Costs.” Five openings for novels inspired by California’s rather unique state tax adjustments.
The Punk Dad Manifesto
Living in the fascist stronghold of Marigold Gardens will challenge the roots of even the most hardcore. One parent’s struggle against the machine.
Being Eddie Is Fun and Other Facts
The internet is flooded with lists of “fun facts,” but none of them are about fun itself.
What Is a Career Move
Following his triumphant appearance on Jeopardy, IBM's Watson supercomputer strikes a deal to replace Charlie Sheen on CBS's hit comedy Two and a Half Men.
The Languid Dirge of the Hippo Father
While “Tiger Moms” may pour their energies into rearing successful children, Long Island offspring are learning to beat the tiger cubs at Halo.
I Love You in Europe
Romance is in the air during February, especially when the air smells vaguely European.
America’s Most Frozen
Rapists, murderers, human traffickers—this winter, sedentary criminals are rife in the nation’s parks. Photos of the 11 worst suspects.
How to Make Celebrities Fall in Love With You
If you tell Johnny Depp he’s hideous looking, he’ll think you’re the first person he’s met who sees past his physical appearance—and other lessons.
Diminish Your Reality
The technology horizon is brighter than ever—or maybe it’s just set that way in your preferences. A look at the new devices and trends expected to take the tech world by storm in 2011.
JuniorHighLeaks
Everyone's doing it: Broadcasting private communications for all the world to see. The latest messages could usurp the power elite of the eighth grade.
A Message From Your University President
Americans prefer "doing" to "knowing." When will our universities wake up to reality? English majors everywhere: More budget cuts are coming, but prepare to smell great.
What to Expect When You’re Expecting New Neighbors
Across the U.S., neighbors of foreclosed homes are eagerly awaiting the new homeowners—soon-to-be acquaintances, friends, lenders of spices, spouse swappers.
You Don’t Want to Do This
You walk in to your bedroom and find your girlfriend in bed with another man. Blood boils. Violence is imminent. Wait, what's that he's saying?
Sexy Singing Vampires of the 1960s
Pop culture is fizzy. Mainstream TV is where the fizz goes flat. A preview of the networks' forthcoming dramas based on trendy Twitter feeds.
Oh, the Games Adults Play Now
Children play games for fun. Adults play games to crush and humiliate. An analysis of behavior on the grown-ups’ playground.
No Stone Unturned
The most colorful parts of Keith Richards’s long-awaited memoir have made headlines. But the guitarist’s deepest insights were left on his editor’s desk.
The Green Ribbon
A dying woman asks her husband for a final favor. What will happen when he loosens the ribbon around her neck?
Eat Yr Veggiez
There’s nothing better than kicking back with your friends and tearing open a bag of Doritos Late Night: Cheeseburger Carrot Sticks—or so some farmers hope.
The Biggest Spinoff Product Failures of 2010
Every year, brands leverage themselves to monetize potential revenue streams—and this year was no different.
Being Nominated Is the Award
The allure of an awards show is not the thrill of victory, but rather the anticipation--and of course the potential for a handjob.
We Three Kings of HGH Are
For many sports fans, steroids ruined professional baseball. Luckily, Roger Clemens is pitching a cream-and-clear sitcom to cure their blues.
Privacy Settings for Bigamists
If anyone feels the pain of Facebook’s constant privacy updates, it’s marital philanderers. But take the time to calibrate your profile, and you can put all that worry behind you.
The Constant Gardener
A spate of arrests reveals Russian spies have been living undetected in the U.S., posting on Facebook—and tending to their gardens.
I Blew the Call
Whether ruining a perfect game or mistaking your mother-in-law for a man, you can’t be expected to get every call right.
The Silent Epidemic
The first diagnosis can shatter your life—until the condition that follows glues it back together.
From the Annals of Motherhood
When faced with insurmountable obstacles, when all other options have been exhausted--that's when moms say the darndest things.
The Edge of Sustainable Living
U2's guitarist has recently been slammed by environmentalists for his California real-estate development. An FAQ for concerned neighbors.
Glorious Emergency Status Report
By now, the financial crisis has touched nearly every corner of the population. But only recently has the Order of the Blood of Thoth felt the pinch.
Paul Is Death
While the most popular Beatles rumor turned out to be false, making the case for an even more dramatic revelation.
Go Climb a Tree
When all you want is get away from it all, just grab a branch, hoist yourself up, and leave your troubles below.
Judicial Sensibilities
When the chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court and the president get into a tiff, could the nation’s highest court fall to pieces?
Melancholy Whores’ Memories of Gabriel García Márquez
All the magical realism in the world won't make you good in bed, or so recall the Nobel Prize winner's escorts.
She Ordered Sausage
After his job is jeopardized by unwanted advances toward a co-worker, a writer revises a porn script while undergoing harassment-prevention training.
A Pledge to My Readers
As a reader, you have a choice of which books, magazines, and newspapers to consume. I’m committed to bringing you the finest in the written word.
A Nature Documentary: The Post-Screening Q&A
The film lays bare all the raw intensity of the subject matter, holding back nothing. But some may wonder: What’s the lion’s motivation?
And Now a Few Minutes With Andy Rooney’s Homo Erectus Ancestor
What the kids call “Acheulean,” others call pretentious nonsense. And what’s up with fire?
The Treatloaf® FAQ
The only thing better than meatloaf is meatloaf with a surprise tucked inside. Common questions about the original mystery meat.
Bringing Home the Bacon
In order to survive in today's world, you need to make a lot of dough--but a family cannot live by bread alone.
Pushing Your Buttons
Introducing iBox 2G, the fastest, most powerful way to satisfy your greed and simultaneously kill a complete stranger.
This Is Going to Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
For the good of their children, parents must be able to properly—sometimes even excruciatingly—discipline them when necessary.
I Cannot Accept This Award
Acceptance speeches are often great for moments of hubris and disaster. For anyone soon to win a prize, here's a template best avoided.
The Babysitter
The kids are asleep upstairs, and the sitter waits alone in a darkened house--and then the phone rings. If you think you know what happens next, think again.
Is Rapper Kanye West Dead?
Suspicious lyrics and other clues suggest something may be amiss among the hip-hop royalty.
Adventure Capital
It's risky business, this adventuring, and best not undertaken by those bereft of bravery or collateral.
Home Schooled
Home-schooling gets a bad rap from advocates of traditional education. Our writer defends his parents’ choice to create a high school at home, including a prom.
Don’t Be a Statistic
While H1N1 dominates the headlines, other equally worrisome conditions get lost in the panic. Tips to survive spontaneous human combustion.
The Fiery Furnaces Visit the Department of Motor Vehicles
The brother-sister duo's narrative inclinations take over during a license renewal.
Not Everyone "Got" It
In the early days of The Muppet Show, the famous bonhomie between celebrities and their Muppet co-stars wasn't there yet. Here are the encounters that didn't make a rainbow connection.
The Savior of Newspaperdom
Unless the newspaper honchos invent some brilliant ideas, the broadsheet is dead. A last-ditch brainstorm.
Interview With the Genie
For man and djinn alike, a soft economy makes for a tight job market.
Read My Body Language
When you fold your arms or cross your legs, you unconsciously send a message that reveals your true thoughts. How to read my physical cues.
The Cougar Who Would Be Queen
Supreme Court nominee Sotomayor has been called a bigot and a racist--and that's just week one. A memo to Republican politicians outlining the next phase of attack.
Letters to a Young Lawrence Welk
Before he became famous, Lawrence Welk was just another hoofer working for tips. Then he reached out to Rainer Maria Rilke.
Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman
The U.S. and the U.K. have much in common, but not postage. A duo account for the mysteries of two very different mail systems.