The Guilfoile-Warner Papers

Oct 5

If we're going to play the guilt by association game, let's not forget that Palin has birthed five children from the seeds of a secessionist. A few more kids and we're looking at a full-blown militia. The benefit of having a vice presidential candidate that doesn't really know anything is that you can stick any words you'd like in her mouth and she'll deliver them without complaint. I'm willing to bet that Sarah Palin doesn't know the difference between The Weather Underground and Weather Report, unless she's got a secret jones for Jaco Pastorius, but that won't stop her from dropping her terminal-g-less bombs in red state parking lots around the country. Back in April, you and I were both openly squeamish about what the protracted democratic primary might do to Obama's chances in the general. In the non-tradition of political punditry everywhere, I'd like to just say that I was terribly wrong, and that the best thing to happen to Obama might be that he had to withstand every last bit of the Clinton arsenal. As we've seen with the demise of my beloved Chicago Cubs, it's important to keep your edge, and Obama's has only grown sharper over time. I'm not saying he's completely inoculated against the inevitable return of the Ayers, Wright, and Rezko smears, but at this point, he might get a case of the sniffles, as opposed to a full-blown campaign flu. So, McCain is going to need some kind of "game changer" to really turn the electoral tide, and it's hard to see one on the horizon, but here's a thought: Let's say we're invaded by aliens with ships capable of vaporizing entire cities with a single energy burst. Our military will be wiped out by the aliens' superior technology necessitating a ragtag force made up of long-mothballed pilots including McCain, George W., and Will Smith to make the final assault on the alien mother ship once we've infected their communication and defense systems with a computer virus hidden in an illegal download of a Jonas Brothers' song. McCain will get to fulfill one of his lifelong ambitions of unleashing a nuclear weapon while saving all of mankind. Obviously the invasion will delay the election, but finally, on July 4th, 2009, McCain will be sworn in as the next president of the United States in front of the rubble that was the Capitol Building, viewed by the 300 remaining living inhabitants of Washington D.C. They'll serve barbecued vermin at the inaugural ball. I guess it could be something else that turns the electoral tide, but this seems most likely in terms of something that could carry McCain to victory.

TMN contributing writer John Warner’s first novel, The Funny Man was recently published by Soho Press. He teaches at the College of Charleston and is co-color commentator for The Morning News Tournament of Books. More by John Warner

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