Heaven Can Wait
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, advice for a lovelorn atheist who wants to know if a Christian could love him back.
The Non-Expert
A collection of 176 issues
Holidays-in-Law
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, tips for a productive working vacation with your extended family.
Man-barrass Your Way to Love
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we show you how a well-chosen nickname can bend your mate’s will.
What the Fuck Cricket Is
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we solve one of Earth’s trickiest mysteries involving bats, balls, and scuttlewicks.
You Will Soon Receive Great Knowledge
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we crack open one of the mysteries of the universe: How do fortune cookies work?
Zodiac Gemstone Food Pairings
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we offer dream analysis with multiple charts to a reader whose rice turned to rocks.
(Drool) Brittania
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, a woman seeking men from Blighty meets the Connecticut Britons.
What You Gave Me
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we partner with the Association for the Betterment of Sex to help three readers with their love quandaries.
Publishing Is Toast
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, a reader wonders about TMN's vision of the future of publishing.
Can We Date?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. A reader wants to know if it's OK to date a distant relative. We answer by way of flowchart.
The Messy
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. When a reader disagrees with his wife over the cleanliness of their home, we propose a tidy solution.
Thy Neighbor's Wisteria
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. When a reader asks about housewarming gifts, we see Armageddon in the neighborhood.
The Answer, My Friend
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. To help a reader determine which Dylan album is best, we arrive at every possible solution. Introducing "Your Best Bob Dylan Album Calculator."
The Analyst's Cookbook
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. We help a reader ferret out the truth about which foods are good to eat, and which ward off bullets.
Mixed vs. Medley
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we do absolutely nothing to assist a reader while coining a new phrase.
Are Your Cats Really Adorable or Just Regular Adorable?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we show you the 50 questions on this year's census you didn't see coming.
Come On, Sugar, Let Me Know
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we reach out to the masses on Chatroulette for advice on sexiness, with horrifying consequences.
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we advise a reader on what he should buy his girlfriend for their anniversary.
Terribly Happy
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we use some recent knowledge of severance packages to help one of the newly unemployed.
'Tussin
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we assist a college student who's swimming in dirty laundry and drowning in cough syrup.
Just Like Heaven
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we answer that eternal question: What happens after we die?
Frugal Krueger
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader in need of creative, recession-friendly Halloween costume ideas.
How to Become a Playwright
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we attempt to help a young thespian realize his misinformed dreams.
God Save the Queen From You Chumps
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we defend Britain against a cursing student of Anglo-Saxons.
Letters to a Young Philanderer
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we channel our inner Governor Sanford to explain the ways of windbags nationwide.
The Pride of the Bernard-Barnards of West Wickingham Is Wounded
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we receive a letter from a student in distress and do absolutely nothing to assist her.
I'll Tell You No Lies
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we guide a reader who peppers her friends with questions, but finds they won't reciprocate her curiosity.
The Power of the Three
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we reveal the secrets of the mighty triumvirate that rules the universe. But you didn't hear about it here.
How to Buy a Car
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we demonstrate to a wary customer how best to maneuver the purchase of a new car, while keeping accidental singes to a minimum.
Attractive With Glasses
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we counsels a reader on the beauty of frames.
Marketing the Massive Range
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we contribute copywriting ideas to help a reader sell Super Viagra Soft-Tabs.
Fear of Flying
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help an airline passenger determine the best day and time to book a flight.
Love Sic
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. Our mailbag is stuffed with questions about love, often oddly phrased. We address one of the more curious examples.
The Superstitious Life
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. In honor of Friday the 13th, we coach a reader on effective use of superstition.
Does He Love You?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. Following our popular guide regarding girls, how to know if the ideal man digs you or not.
You Noogie My Heart, I'll 69 Yours
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we counsel a young man who can't read the road signs in a doomed relationship.
Cocktail Flu
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. We offer tried-and-true excuses for calling in sick to work, including examples of the maladies we can claim to hide the malady we have.
How to Lose Friends and Alienate Family
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. We step in with some last-minute advice for a reader confused by a Christmas party conundrum: Do friends and family mix?
Rhymes With Riches
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. When a reader runs into a dilemma involving bitches, we take the high road, at least for a few paragraphs.
Pushing Your Buttons
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. In this week's installment, we help an Obama supporter navigate the murky waters of political expression at the workplace.
Smoke and Mirrors
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. In this week's installment we explain why the objects in passenger-side mirrors are closer than they appear: It could be something you ate.
Today We Learn About Canada
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. In this week's installment we uncover why Americans can so easily sniff out Canadians in their midst.
Ladies First
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we solve the origins of "Mrs.," and present a new nomenclature to fill the gender gap, once and for all.
Easy-Fake Oven
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. In this week's installment we break down all that pre-heating nonsense, with a heating guide for 21st-century cookery.
Identity Crisis
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we (or someone claiming to be us) detail many popular methods for stealing identities.
Begging the Question
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we explain the phrase nobody understands in terms everyone can understand. For the most part.
The Party Racket
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we solve another parenting mystery: Exactly how many of your child's classmates must you invite to the birthday party?
The Coast Is Sheer
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we explain how to build a roller coaster in terms a young engineering student may not expect.
The Vote Not Shaken
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader choose between political candidates by applying modern poetry to the process.
You Say You Want a Resolution
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we conjure a New Year's vow for a quitter who needs something new to quit.
Life After Masturbation
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we advise a mother who's walked in on her son during a private moment.
Strictly Business
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we instruct a future MBA in the art of networking. That sound? The last gasp of your ethics.
How to Say I Love You
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we pull out all the stops to help a reader say "I love you," in precisely 100 different ways.
Phantom Menace
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we rush to the aid of a distressed reader who believes her house is haunted.
Unfortunate
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader assess the accuracy of the fortune cookie he just opened.
Forgive the Drummer Some
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we solve the greatest mystery known to rock-and-rollers of every generation: how to find a decent drummer.
Happily Heifer After
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we point out the differences between non-organic and organic cows--in words only an organic cow would comprehend.
One-Hit Wonders
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader who wants to know: What's a superhero worth these days, anyway?
How the Internet Changed the World
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we assist a mother with her daughter’s homework: imagining a world where emails required stamps.
Age of Consent
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we instruct a starry-eyed reader in the ways of bagging young Hollywood tail.
Hooking It Up
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we apply cold logic to a hot topic: How can pre-adolescent hockey players become sexually active?
Adverb Your Enthusiasm
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader determine if her one true love is letting adverbs get in the way of romance.
Cat Heathens
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader decide whether she should send her antisocial, over-meowing feline to the big litter box in the sky.
Midnight in the Garden of Wood and Evil
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we address a reader's concern about her plant's feelings with stories about menacing shrubs.
That Boy
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a family travel safely to Chicago, and urge them to protect their daughter from the boyfriend from hell.
American Capitalism
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a poor man figure out how to make the system work—by any means necessary.
Jock Party
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we fashion a taxonomy of American athletes to help a reader get in touch with his jock-dom.
Gleesome Threesome
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a confused young woman make the best of a beast with three backs.
Delphiniums, Delphiniums, Delphiniums!
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we celebrate National Gardening Month with some horticultural advice garnered from a Tri-Delt newsletter.
Model Behavior
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we share some tips for a young reader who wants to take her strut for a walk down the runway.
Second Lust
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we offer moral guidance to a reader who just realized their Second Life avatar bears a striking resemblance to their best friend's wife.
Two in the Hand
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we reveal the top contenders and the winner of the Non-Expert's Contest for Total Idioms, with a way for you to save the world.
Fate of the Art
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a young man, struggling with maturity, accept the garbage that’s otherwise known as most of contemporary art.
The Mommy Wars
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a frustrated mother cope: how to deal with--nevermind survive--those overly nice mothers at play dates.
The Contest for Total Idioms
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we get sick of our colloquial phrases and thus a contest is born: Invent a bon mot for everlasting fame.
Lawyering
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we address a question thousands of young men and women grapple with each year: To law school or not to law school?
Red, White, and You
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we come up with a handy guide—tips, lists, and charts—to choosing wines and playing the connoisseur.
Name That Congress
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we reveal how George W. Bush will nickname every one of his new, non-Republican buddies in Congress.
At-Home Halloween Costumes
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a young woman work through a desperate situation: What to wear this year on Halloween?
What About Blackberry?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we test whether therapy is conductable over portable email devices.
Truth in Advertising
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we show a reader concerned about television's wasteland how advertisers could create more socially aware campaigns.
Rachael Ray's Secret Travel Tips
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader combine travel and eating--with knowledge cribbed from the Food Network star.
Am I a Hypochondriac?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we introduce a paranoid reader to our personal physician, Dr. Google, who has induced paranoia in more patients than anyone.
Back Off, Man, I'm a Scientist
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a forlorn scientist understand why his friend and co-worker chose to quit her job and leave the state.
Piping Hot
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we show a tenant how to beat the heat that's still pouring out of the radiator.
Way to Go
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we have your answer for the next time somebody asks you how, when your number is finally up, you want to go.
Auld Lang Syne
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we offer ways to avoid being kissless on New Year's Eve.
What Your Christmas Tree Says About You
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we address the great American class divider: Are your tree lights white or colored, or even (gasp) blinking?
Is He Cute or Is He British?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a forlorn reader determine if her new guy actually looks as good as he talks.
Take Your Seat, Please
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we answer a question that has plagued us all since the day after we invented plumbing.
Troubleshooting Your Déjà Vu
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we explain how you can tell if what you're experiencing is déjà vu or not, and how best to proceed when it is.
Does She Love You?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything, even the oldest questions. Such as, how can you tell if a girl loves you or not?
Clear and Present Danger
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader preparing for a trip to New York get over anxieties about terrorism, including tips on how to keep his Labor Day jihad-free.
Crocking the Party
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader overcome his party paranoia with tips and tricks for getting his courses out on time.
Fabled Again
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week: An overstuffed mailbag means a lot of questions are begging to be answered, and we know the only way to satisfy those hungry for knowledge--goats.
The New American Music
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. From 2005, rather than Yankee-Doodling every Fourth of July, here are some patriotic melodies that are more fun to sing and easier to remember.
Worried About Celebrities
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week: Sudden weight loss and sudden engagements abound. We take to the streets to find out which Hollywood celebrity’s out-of-control behavior is causing people the most anxiety.
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we pick up where Paul Simon left off and offers a multitude of ways--45, actually--to leave your lover in the dust.
Gypsy Cabs
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a nervous tourist understand that mystery of New York City transportation: the unlicensed car that will drive you either to your destination, or to your death!
Gentrify! Gentrify!
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we show how you can fight New York's soaring real-estate costs when you invade an unfamiliar neighborhood. Making friends will never be so hard.